mental health

Stressed is being in the weeds. Overwhelmed is being blown. 

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One of the best things about working at a university is feeling the energy and excitement of the students at the start of a new school year. Seeing all the students back on campus made me reminisce about my time in college. I remember it as such an incredible time of fun and growth, but also stress. I remember crashing at the end of each semester in utter exhaustion. The natural cadence of the semester with the breaks in between allowed a respite from stress and time to recharge. 

In some cases, we used to have a more natural ebb and flow to our work based on the academic calendar, but we have all seen the pace of change has become more constant and at time it can feel unrelenting, which can lead to burnout. 

I recently read Brene Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart where she talks about the difference between being stressed and overwhelmed. She used the example of working in a restaurant, which really resonated with me.  

“Stressed and overwhelmed remind me of two restaurant terms that my teams and I often use today: ‘in the weeds’ and ‘blown.’ Back in the day, if I walked into the kitchen and told another waiter ‘I’m in the weeds’ – the response would be, ‘What do you need?’ I might say, ‘Can you take bread to tables 2 and 4, re-tea tables 3 and 5, please?’ Being in the weeds and pulling out of the weeds happened to everyone on almost every shift. It was just part of the job, and you learned to manage it. Walking into the kitchen and saying ‘I’m blown’ – well, that’s completely different. The kitchen gets real quiet. No one asks what you need. Normally, someone runs to the hostess stand to find out what tables you’re running that shift – they don’t even assume you know at that point…When you’re blown, you can either step outside or into the cooler or go to the bathroom (and cry). Whatever you need. You’re expected to be back in ten minutes, ready to go, but for those ten minutes, there’s a complete takeover…Stressed is being in the weeds. Overwhelmed is being blown.” (Brown, 5) 

Being “in the weeds” and “blown” has happened to all of us. As leaders, and as a team, our responsibility to each other is twofold – to feel safe saying when we are in one of these states, and to be there to support our teammates when it happens, knowing they will do the same for us. 

I think it would be valuable for our individual and team health to be able to normalize this straightforward way of acknowledging that you need help. Do these resonate with you?  

The Power of Meditation

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I recently took part in a leadership panel with three fellow CIOs and the last question we received was, “What is something you wish you would have known when you were younger?” My answer was different than the others and probably unexpected. I said that I wish I had practiced meditation earlier in my life because it has made me a better leader and person.

I started meditation about ten years ago when a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation by Oprah and Deepak and asked me to do it with her. I didn’t imagine how important committing to a 21-day program would be fulfilling my dreams personally and professionally.

Both of us really enjoyed the messages and the practice and noticed an immediate difference in how much better our days went when we did meditation. I have meditated almost every day for more than a decade.

The 20 minutes I dedicate each day to guided meditation helps me practice being fully present in the moment and helps stop my racing mind. Each day is different, and some days are better than others. But the consistency and focus on improving have remained over the years. Meditation has helped me to better examine my narrative, generate insights, and recenter myself for the purpose of developing positive leaders and organizations. It has changed my brain, my life, and the energy that I bring to the world.

Because meditation has been so helpful for me, I serve on the board of Inner Strength Education, a non-profit organization in Philadelphia that has taught mindfulness to more than 16,000 high school students. I would challenge you to try it. Inner Strength developed a mobile app, VIBE, that might be helpful to you to learn about mindfulness and try different types of meditations.

What has been your experience with mediation?

Take Control of Your Response

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My husband and I have been really looking forward to our trip to Florida for a family reunion. Because of COVID, we have not been able to go for the last two years, so we were especially looking forward to reconnecting with our family and spending time in the sun.

Our expectations were quickly altered when we looked at the weather forecast and saw that rain was predicted for five of the seven days of our vacation. We changed our car rental from a convertible to a more sensible choice just before boarding the plane for the first leg of our flight south. We made it to Charlotte without incident, and then watched for hours as our flight was delayed due to an enormous storm crossing over Florida.

My husband and I did several things to pass the time. We alternately walked around the airport to get some exercise. We engaged fellow passengers and had several pleasant interactions. We read our books and email on our phones. We tried to make a game of when we would leave.

When the gate agent announced that we had a short window of time to take off if we were going to make it to Florida, everyone cooperated, and several people commented about how pleasant and understanding everyone was being. As we landed in the rain in Florida, a collective spontaneous cheer erupted from the passengers.

When we collected our luggage, one of the wheels from my bag had come off. As I was pointing this out to my husband, one of our fellow passengers told me about the wonderful experience he had when his luggage was damaged and encouraged me to go to the customer service counter. I went to the counter and made a couple of additional positive connections there.

While all of this was playing out, I remember making several conscious decisions to not be annoyed or angry. I know that this was why others stepped in to help and I know that many of them had also made the same intentional decision not to be angry.

When we finally arrived at our condo, our family expected us to be in a terrible mood, but we were not. I am not sure how much I influenced or was influenced by the other passengers’ choices to remain positive and civil, but I know that my internal dialogue and choices made the experience better for me and my husband.

Travel delays are often unpredictable and can be extremely frustrating. In situations where you feel a lack of control, taking ownership of your response can help to put you and others at ease. This week, I encourage you to make the conscious decision to choose serenity in the face of unexpected adversity.

 

Fighting Fatigue: Stop, Collaborate and Listen

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The last few weeks have been tough for me. I felt like I was slogging through and not making much progress on several fronts. Part of the reason that I write this blog is to self-reflect and check in to see if I am being the leader that I want to be. When I checked in for the last several weeks, I was not feeling like an incredibly positive leader and instead of forcing it, I did not write any blogs. 

Last week, as I was preparing to teach a leadership class about energy and habits, Jenna Price shared concerns that she had been hearing from the group about the overwhelm they and their teams were feeling. She also shared a link to this video(link is external) about managing ourselves so we can creatively solve problems. Both were so helpful! I developed an exercise so that the leaders could identify the root causes for why they felt overwhelmed. And before we did the exercise in the training session, we watched the video(link is external) that Jenna shared.

This experience of co-creating the training and then using the training session to co-create solutions reminded me that so many people want to help and contribute their amazing insights, skills and passion. Unleashing that potential was so much fun and made me very happy. 

The next time you feel like you are slogging through, how can you invite others to co-create solutions with you? 

Shift Your Focus from Fear to Freedom

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I recently visited my son and his wife, and each night we played a new board game. It was so much fun! One of the reasons that I was able to enjoy playing so much was that I didn’t expect to win (or fear losing) because I was focused on learning a new game each night. 

I was able to contrast that feeling of fun and freedom I experienced learning and playing board games with the feelings I experienced attending a couple of Ohio State basketball games recently. The team struggled in both games, losing one and winning the second in overtime.

I recall being extremely distressed during both games, which I attended with the intention of having fun. As I analyzed why I was distressed, it became clear that I wanted to be associated with a winning team and had tied the outcome of the game with my own self-worth. Any sports fanatic would be able to relate. 

So much of my sense of fun and enjoyment comes from learning new things, meeting new people and solving new problems. It’s easy to feel this way when I am new to a job or situation, but that fun can turn into distress when the things that are being criticized are things that I had a hand in creating because they are tied to my sense of self. 

This insight is helpful to me in two distinct ways. First, it gives me empathy for the people who created the things I am trying to change. Second, when I feel distressed, it becomes a cue for me to change my focus from myself to the impact I want to have on others. It is an opportunity for me to move from fear to freedom.  

What gives you a sense of fun and play? What causes you distress? How can you use your distress as a clue to change your mental habits? 

Desperately Seeking Friends and Endorphins

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My husband claims that I get endorphins from checking things off my to-do list. In the last couple of weeks, however, I have felt exhausted as I have been running at full speed trying to check things off my list. Even exercising, something that I normally love to do, was feeling like a burden or obligation rather than fun and energizing.

I was grateful for the recent winter storm because it forced me to stay home for a couple of days and gave me time to relax and reflect on why I was feeling so exhausted. When it came to my exercise fatigue, I realized that not having friends to workout with was at the core of my exhaustion.

I am an avid exerciser and have cemented friendships through physical activity. My best friend is someone I walked with almost every day for over a decade. I have made friends in new places by joining a local cycling club.

The pandemic, a recent move, and winter have all made finding friends to exercise with difficult. Knowing this is the root of my exhaustion has helped me feel better because I know this is solvable. I am now starting to think of opportunities to combine finding friends with my exercise. Can I invite an acquaintance to walk or cross-country ski with me? Can I find a new exercise class or gym that is more social than what I am doing now?

Thankfully, we have a trip planned to go skiing with my son and his wife. Again, combining exercise with spending time with people I love.

For me, understanding what motivates and energizes me is helpful so that I can take better care of myself.

What reenergizes you?

Rewrite Your Story

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We all have a story to tell, whether in our personal or professional lives. How we tell our story is crucial to achieving our goals.

It is important to recognize that our emotions and our stories are linked. We have the ability to change our stories which means we can change our emotions about those stories as well. When we rewrite our stories in a positive way, we change our feelings and our behaviors for the better, creating a more productive roadmap toward our goals.

As part of our second leadership training last week, each participant was asked to identify two leadership opportunities. After identifying their opportunities, we had each participant write their current story around one of their opportunities. I asked each participant to rank their story on the Fear to Freedom(link is external) scale and write two adjectives that describe their feelings about their story. The most common descriptors of the current stories were frustrated, anxious, stuck, overwhelmed, exhausted, ineffective and nervous. 

Then each participant rewrote their story describing the best possible outcome they could imagine around their leadership challenge using the following Written Positive Intention(link is external) rules. 

  • It is written in past tense (as if it has already happened). 
  • It is written in all positive terms. 
  • It should be hand-written, not typed, if possible. 
  • It identifies the most exceptional outcome you can imagine. 
  • It focuses on how you and others feel about the outcome and the impact you can have if you achieve your positive outcome. 
  • It is always a draft. Modify it over time. Write several versions to identify when your intention is based of fear, which may mean it is self-focused or your ego is showing up. 

The change in each participant’s feelings concerning their leadership opportunity was remarkable. After discussing in small groups how rewriting their stories affected their emotions, I asked participants to share what they learned from the experience. Here are a few of the remarks:

  • “My fear and anxiety are the barrier and that I can control.” 
  • “This is a tool that can help us frame our thoughts to achieve the results we want.” 
  • “Just doing this exercise helped me feel more powerful over the challenge.” 
  • “It really helped me to clarify the specific barriers and hurdles that are making me feel stuck, but also made me see the large number of variables to think through to get to that positive story.” 

We all face leadership opportunities every day. Next time you are feeling overwhelmed and stuck, I would invite you to use the Written Positive Intention(link is external) rulesand rewrite your story.

Embrace Discomfort, Discover Joy

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Person performing yoga in front of a sunset

It took my best friend almost two years to convince me to try yoga. My standard response when she would suggest it was that I wasn’t flexible, so I couldn’t do yoga. She would not so gently remind me that the entire reason I should do yoga was to increase my flexibility. Her persistence and my stiff neck eventually prevailed, and I signed up for a beginner Iyengar Yoga (link is external)class. That was almost 15 years ago.

One of the things that I love about Iyengar Yoga is its emphasis on proper technique and the extensive use of props to ensure that you safely support your body as you try the different postures. Taking that beginner class was foundational to giving me the knowledge, skill, and confidence to shape my practice in ways that work for me.

I have done in-person classes, online classes, yoga apps, and personal practice. Yoga is now one of my most valued tools for being the person and leader I aspire to be. The following mantras that I have learned and practiced doing yoga help me every day when I am working.

  • Your breath is the primary tool to release tension.
  • Practice being uncomfortable and managing yourself when things are really hard.
  • Focus on your own experience, and don’t compare yourself to anyone else in the room.

I went on an educator trip to China a few summers ago with several other faculty and colleagues from Temple. One of the faculty members who was traveling with us was a yoga instructor, and he generously offered to lead us in yoga each morning. One of my favorite memories of that trip is doing yoga in the hotel hallway at 6 am with my friends.

While I initially resisted trying yoga, it now brings me joy daily.

What are you resisting? What could happen if you stopped resisting and stepped into the discomfort of trying something new?

Unplugging so your team can as well

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Photo by Cindy Leavitt – Lake Michigan at sunset near Grand Haven


This last holiday weekend was the first time in months that I unplugged from work and relaxed. I really needed it and felt that my team needed the downtime as well. I even took Friday afternoon off to get a head start.  
Just before I signed off on Friday, I got what seemed like an urgent email, which I should have planned on because it so consistently happens on Friday afternoons. Instead of forwarding the message to my team, I asked when a response was needed. When the answer was the day after the holiday, I arranged with the requestor and my boss to communicate the request to the team after the holiday.
Then I threw myself into the weekend, like I normally throw myself into work. I read three books, cleaned the deck, baked cookies, hiked with the family and listened to albums picked by family members. 
I have to explain about the albums. In an effort to connect with my family through this pandemic, we have started a quarantine family night. We meet every other week over Zoom to talk about a shared experience. We decide on what the shared experience will be and have two weeks to complete whatever we decide to do before we meet to talk about it.  So far, we have read a book, watched a series of movies and listened to albums that each family member selected. The music albums were the most fun. The variety was vast, ranging from rap to country to classical. Yesterday, we met to talk about the albums. Each person chose their favorite song from their selected album and explained why they loved it so much. After we listened to the favorite song, everyone talked about their reaction to the album. We had great discussions and all did not like all of the music but were able to disagree, have a ton of fun, and create shared experiences.
The long weekend gave me a chance to recharge and deeply connect with my family. I am grateful that I got it and that my boss supported me taking the time. Because of that, I was able to pass on that gift to my team.
My question for you to think about this week is: How good are you at unplugging so that your team can as well?  

Give Yourself Permission

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https://www.pxfuel.com/en/free-photo-eoltg


One of the nicest things about the holiday break is that you can take time off and not have emails and work pile up while you are out of the office. So many of my colleagues talk about how much they appreciate having this pause at the end of the year.
All of my kids and their significant others were able to come to our house for Christmas this year. My husband and I decided that our gift to our family was a shared experience. We did a quick road trip to New York City where we watched the Harry Potter plays, walked all over the city, and ate some amazing food. Then we settled in at home, playing board games, solving puzzles and enjoying being with each other. We had so much fun. 
For me, it was an exercise in being in the moment and really relaxing into the joy of having my family around me. I noticed that a few times during the break, I started to get upset as I worried about a specific concern about one of our kids. Each time that happened, I was able to catch myself and stop. I knew that my ability to stay out of worry and cherish the person in front of me was key to making the vacation positive for our entire family.
Our time together was everything that I hoped it would be. It was wonderful.
My return to work has been hard. Since starting back at work, falling asleep has been difficult, which is unusual for me. I have been lying in bed, ruminating about a number of things and feeling anxious that I am not able to sleep. This means that it is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I find myself choosing to turn off my alarm instead of getting up to head to the gym. The combination of lack of sleep and exercise has left me feeling exhausted and unfocused.
As I was lying in bed this morning, after ignoring my alarm for the second time, I found myself mentally berating myself for my lack of discipline.
When I realized what I was doing, I was able to stop. 
I chose to enjoy that moment, instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with me for not wanting to get up. I reveled in my warm bed, knowing it was my work from home day and I could use my commute time to sleep in. This was my gift to myself. 
I felt so much better after that small shift in mindset. 
One of the most transformational lessons that I have learned in my leadership journey is the power of our own stories. The question I always ask is “What story am I telling myself?” When I take the time to do this and investigate, I find that most of my stories are not true. I fundamentally believe that everyone is doing the best that they can and my job as a leader is to create an environment where everyone thrives. This means that I need to stay out of judgement and blame in order to look for ways to improve the situation. Extending that philosophy to myself is what I have been working on for many years.
I know that my ability to stay out of worry and cherish myself and the person in front of me is key to making the positive transformation happen. Doing this requires stamina, energy, focus and consistency. Sometimes I get tired and need to give myself permission to rest.
How do you rest physically, socially and mentally? How do you find respite from your recurring worries?