Author: schertzer.24

10 Thoughts You Have When You Get Stuck In The Middle Seat

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By: Amanda Schertzer

We have all been there before. You get on the plane look at your boarding pass and realize that you have the middle seat. CURSES!!! Or in the event that you fly southwest you are in boarding group C.

You pass by the people in first class. “Yes. Yes. Hello. Make way for the plebeian!” You pass the dude already asleep in a window seat… lucky bastard. You trip over the dude with his feet out in the isle, while people are still boarding.

Finally, you find your seat. If you’re lucky enough to have found an overhead bin to toss your carry-on in then your final step is to sit down in your middle seat. If you are on a full flight were everyone has the world’s largest carry-ons, which take up all the bin space, you are stuck with cramming your bag under the seat in front of you. This, my friend, is the worst. You are in the middle seat with an even smaller amount of leg room. Now if you just added a couple dozen screaming babies, political debates, and serial wet-coughers this is the flight from hell.

You sit down in your middle seat and inspect the situation. Common airplane curtesy is to let the middle person have an arm rest to place their forearm on. But this curtesy is not always extended and you are stuck in the middle with your hands crossed on your lap.

 

In this situation, my mind tends to drift. Here are just a few thoughts you might have from the middle seat.

 

1. You think about how long the flight is and then promptly converting it into minute.

You wonder if you can count down the seconds to minutes and then minutes to seconds till you are there. But that is almost as torturous as having the middle seat. So you promptly move on.

2. Wondering what your friends who are not in the sky are doing.

They’re probably eating pizza rolls and watching Netflix while i’m here stuck in between the two most annoying human beings to fly the planet.

3. Wondering how many people have touched the in-flight magazine.

And is it possible to get Hep-C from a magazine.

4.I wasn’t sure it was possible to have this much flatulence in a 6 hour span.

Wow, sir. Please use the restroom. It seems that something is brewing in there.

5. Cough in my direction one more time.

I dare you.

6. I wonder what flights were like in the 60’s.

You could smoke on airplanes. What else could you do? Bring pre-cooked crab legs and crack them open mid-flight?

7. I wonder if we auto tuned that crying baby and added a catchy line or two if top 40 radio stations would play it.

Watch out Jason Derulo, the baby in 35B is coming for you.

8. If I were to poop my pants on this flight right how would I handle it?

Do I just ditch my underwear? And if so, where?

9. Is this how it feels to NOT chew 5 Gum?

10. Is this woman reading 50 Shades of Grey right next to me?

What are the 50 shades? I feel like after the first 5 shades you get the idea. Why 50? How many shades of Grey do you need?

20 Things I Could be Doing with the Time I Spend Commuting to School

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20 Things I Could be Doing with the Time I Spend Commuting to School:

The vast majority of students at The Ohio State University at Marion do not live in Marion. We are the commuter students. You know us. We look like zombies rolling out of our vehicles at 8 am after an hour long commute. We can’t just effortlessly jog across campus to class. We have to wake up, down a caffeinated beverage, pray to Saint Jesús Malverde, get in our car and drive.

Do you ever wonder what you could be doing with the time you spend commuting? Well, I did. Here are 20 Things I Could be Doing with the Time I Spend Commuting to School.

1. Learning how to breakdance
2. Spitting some sick rhymes.
3. Making that scratch scrilla.
4. Getting the band back together.
5. Making a list of my Top 5. Incase I am transported back to 2002 and need a cellphone plan with AT&T.
6. Making a list of my top 10. Incase I want to let it be known who I am truly friends with on MySpace.
7. Making a MySpace.
8. Deleting a MySpace.
9. Wondering who still uses MySpace.
10. Practicing Parkour.
11. Hurting myself while practicing Parkour.
12. Planking.
13. Learning about Victorian Womanhood.
14. Hating Victorian Womanhood.
15. Eating out of the garbage.
16. Getting into essential oils with the money I saved from eating out of the garbage.
17. Searching symptoms on WebMD.
18. Convincing myself I have an anorectal fistula.
19. Giving myself a coffee enema.
20. Immediately regretting giving myself a coffee enema.

(Commuter Column) My Friend, My Lover: The Parking Lot

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I miss you so much. I took for granted all of the things we used to do together. When I think about all of the experiences I won’t have with you anymore…. I just… I just can’t take it.

You won’t be there for me to put my deodorant on right before going into class.

You won’t be there for me to angrily listen to ODB in my car.

You won’t be there for me to eat awkwardly, large pieces of broccoli in my car (only to be looked over at mid-hamster face with the butt end of a broccoli floret hanging out of my mouth).

You won’t be there for me to spill my morning coffee on myself.

You won’t be there for me to talk back to the NPR segments. I get really excited. Okay?

You won’t be there for me to cancel, reschedule, cancel and then reschedule the same appointment 10 times because I NEED to go to class.

You won’t be there for me to longingly look at pictures of my cat because I miss her too much when I’m at university.

You won’t be there for me to put the seat all the way back and lay down in my car. Yes, sir, I see you staring at my double chin through the window… move along. Nothing to see here. Just a sleep deprived, dumpster person and their double chin relaxing in the car.

I thought we were a “thing.” I’m sorry I used you. It shouldn’t have been all about myself. I am so sorry. I should have seen your true beauty when I had the chance.

I just can’t do these things in the science building that took your place. It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to shove 5-inch broccoli florets into my mouth for a portion of the student body to see. Side note: I didn’t plan. I just cut up this huge broccoli to fit in the Tupperware container that’s all. I don’t regularly cram copious amounts of broccoli into my mouth, like some kind of monster. I didn’t think it through.

I can’t bring myself to lie down and let the passing students see my proud double chin laying on the floor or some couch. That was our thing.

I guess what I’m saying is… the science building may have taken your place on campus but it will never take your place in my heart.