We have all been there before. You get on the plane look at your boarding pass and realize that you have the middle seat. CURSES!!! Or in the event that you fly southwest you are in boarding group C.
You pass by the people in first class. “Yes. Yes. Hello. Make way for the plebeian!” You pass the dude already asleep in a window seat… lucky bastard. You trip over the dude with his feet out in the isle, while people are still boarding.
Finally, you find your seat. If you’re lucky enough to have found an overhead bin to toss your carry-on in then your final step is to sit down in your middle seat. If you are on a full flight were everyone has the world’s largest carry-ons, which take up all the bin space, you are stuck with cramming your bag under the seat in front of you. This, my friend, is the worst. You are in the middle seat with an even smaller amount of leg room. Now if you just added a couple dozen screaming babies, political debates, and serial wet-coughers this is the flight from hell.
You sit down in your middle seat and inspect the situation. Common airplane curtesy is to let the middle person have an arm rest to place their forearm on. But this curtesy is not always extended and you are stuck in the middle with your hands crossed on your lap.
In this situation, my mind tends to drift. Here are just a few thoughts you might have from the middle seat.
1. You think about how long the flight is and then promptly converting it into minute.
You wonder if you can count down the seconds to minutes and then minutes to seconds till you are there. But that is almost as torturous as having the middle seat. So you promptly move on.
2. Wondering what your friends who are not in the sky are doing.
They’re probably eating pizza rolls and watching Netflix while i’m here stuck in between the two most annoying human beings to fly the planet.
3. Wondering how many people have touched the in-flight magazine.
And is it possible to get Hep-C from a magazine.
4.I wasn’t sure it was possible to have this much flatulence in a 6 hour span.
Wow, sir. Please use the restroom. It seems that something is brewing in there.
5. Cough in my direction one more time.
I dare you.
6. I wonder what flights were like in the 60’s.
You could smoke on airplanes. What else could you do? Bring pre-cooked crab legs and crack them open mid-flight?
7. I wonder if we auto tuned that crying baby and added a catchy line or two if top 40 radio stations would play it.
Watch out Jason Derulo, the baby in 35B is coming for you.
8. If I were to poop my pants on this flight right how would I handle it?
Do I just ditch my underwear? And if so, where?
9. Is this how it feels to NOT chew 5 Gum?
10. Is this woman reading 50 Shades of Grey right next to me?
What are the 50 shades? I feel like after the first 5 shades you get the idea. Why 50? How many shades of Grey do you need?