Valentine’s Day. A day dedicated to love and appreciation. Some celebrate the day with their significant other, friends, families, pets, themselves, or they don’t celebrate it.   

Regardless, Valentine’s Day is about relationships, and relationships are challenging to navigate whether one is neurodivergent or not. They are confusing, complicated, and hard. Yet, they can also be fulfilling, inspiring, and meaningful. I happen to be an individual with autism, and I believe there is an added complexity regarding understanding, creating, and maintaining relationships for most people with Autism.  

Consider dating. Does one give out their phone number after a great first date? The answer might be clear for some. However, for others, me included, the answer is not clear. My husband reminds me of this jokingly. “You didn’t give me your phone number after our first date. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me again.” To which I reply, “I didn’t know that was a standard thing. Well, I think we can conclude now, I wanted to see you again.”  

Texting and social media add additional challenges to relationships.  I am not even going to pretend I know how to navigate relationships on those platforms.  

However, based on my life experiences, I will share considerations a young person or anybody for that matter might want to think about when they think about relationships (whether with family, friends, significant other, or self). Although these considerations are not solely about romantic relationships, these other relationships are important, and lessons learned can be applied to romantic relationships as well.   

Please note though, I am just suggesting giving these items a thought. I am not a professional.  

What qualities do you look for in a person you want to be friends with or date? I encourage the reader to pause and jot down a few before reading further.  

Okay, have a few written down? Great! Couldn’t think of any? I understand. It’s hard to think of something abstract.  

I provided five examples below (For these examples, I use the term friend): 

1. Communication.
   • How does your friend communicate with you? Do they respect your desire to be quiet at times? Do they have patience if you are struggling to get your words out? Or do they tease you if you stutter and become impatient? Do they understand that you might talk a long time about something you care deeply about? 
2. Respect.  
   • Let’s say you are sensitive to certain fabrics, so you wear cotton T-shirts and jeans every day to school. Does your friend make fun of you for this? Do they say, “Your clothes are lame. Did you get them from a garbage dump?” Or do they support you. Do they say, “I was at this store the other day, and I saw this cotton shirt, and I thought of you. Let me show you it. I think you would like it.” 
   •  If you are experiencing a meltdown and can’t meet up with them. Do they show concern for your well-being, or do they tease you? 
3. Trust.
   • You’re in high school, and you get rides to school from your friend. They promise to take you to school every Friday. Do they follow through with what they promised? Or do they break their promises and provide no explanation. Do they say, “yeah, sorry, I didn’t feel like it today.” Or do they say, “I am so sorry. My little brother had a dentist appointment, and my mom got called into work last minute, so she asked me to take him. I totally forgot to text you with all the excitement. Let me make it up to you this weekend. I will take you out to lunch.” This person has been picking you up regularly and has texted you in the past when they couldn’t make it. You are frustrated but you feel this was genuinely an accident.  
4. Responsibility.  
   • You are in 7th grade, and you and your friend are working on a project together. Does your friend do their part of the project, or do they put it all on you? 
   • If you share your prized comic book, will your friend take care of it, or will you find it with food stains all over it? Similarly, do they take responsibility? If they did get stains on the book, do they accept what they did or do they blame something or someone else?
5. Commonalities. 
   • Do you have things in common with this person? 
   • Do you both like sports, music, theater, comics or reading?  
   • How do you both feel about last-minute plans? Do you both like surprises? This can help when it comes to planning to watch a movie together or going out to eat. If one person likes to decide on something suddenly and the other doesn’t that could create conflicts. If there is a conflict, are you both open to a compromise? 
   • Humor. Do you and your friend share a sense of humor? Is humor important to you?  

 These are just some examples of how communication, trust, respect, responsibility, and sharing something in common can factor into all types of relationships. So much more could be written, but there is not enough time. So, for today I will conclude with the following: 

Relationships are hard, and relationships in the teen years are especially hard. One might want others to think of them as “cool” or perhaps they really want to date. There is peer pressure and bullying (which sadly doesn’t end in adulthood). However, there can also be friendships that last a lifetime or a significant other who you really bond with and are happy to share your life.  

This isn’t a how to guide to have successful relationships. People are complex. Yet, it is my hope that the people you are able to surround yourself with (sometimes you don’t have a choice) are people who enrich your life, who respect you, and treat you well. Most importantly, I hope you respect yourself and treat yourself well. It is important to be your own Valentine too.  

Happy Valentine’s Day! 

Provided below are additional resources regarding Autism and relationships: 

Autism and Relationships: Benefits and Challenges (psychcentral.com) 

What My Autism Has Taught Me About Dating and Relationships – Autism Spectrum News 

Understanding Neurodiverse Relationships – AANE 

Autism and Expressing Love: Relationships on the Spectrum – Autism Parenting Magazine