interpersonal skills

Pivotal Conversations: Will you have one today?

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In the title of this message, I have posed an impossible question. I have asked you to somehow determine, in advance, whether or not you will engage with someone in a conversation today that may change a life… theirs or yours! So why would I ask an unanswerable question? Well, it’s to challenge you to think, and to be more engaged in our everyday interactions.

pivatol-conversations-2016-10-20Here’s my contention: any one of us may have a pivotal conversation at any time; but we may or may not recognize it at the moment. This happened to me a dozen years ago when I nearly left Extension after my application for promotion from Educator II to III was voted down. I felt like a failure; and I decided I must not be cut out for Extension… an organization I had grown to love. But one evening at 4-H Camp Graham, Jeff King took a little bit of extra time to talk with me, explain the disconnect, and share a personal story that was similar to mine. That pivotal conversation changed the course of my career.

In Urban Meyer’s book, Above the Line, he presents Jack Canfield’s idea of E+R=O.  An Event happens, we Respond, and the Outcome results. Jeff King had my “event” land on his doorstep. He responded, not just because it was his job, but with care and insight and attention. That changed my “outcome” and indeed my life.

So we may not know when a pivotal conversation is coming. But join me and let’s challenge ourselves to step-up our game, to be more present in conversations, to be a more active listener, and to truly give attention. I often struggle. But by keeping it in the forefront of my mind, I will hopefully improve and be able to help others as I have been helped.

Please take a moment and think about a pivotal conversation you have had. Then challenge yourself to be on the lookout for opportunities each and every day.

Brian Raison is an Assistant Professor and Extension Field Specialist for Community and Organizational Leadership.

Turning the Golden Rule on its head

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Golden Rule 2015-07-30

Treat people the way you want to be treated. It’s the golden rule – or so we’re told. But perhaps a deeper, more effective way to interact with others is to treat them the way they want to be treated. Reading one self-help book or attending a Myers-Briggs workshop will quickly illustrate that people can be motivated by and comfortable with very different things. So, choosing to relate to others only in a way that is comfortable to you, might actually be a bit short-sighted.

A few years ago, I learned this lesson the hard way – by completely blowing it. I was teaching with a respected colleague who has a personality and teaching style that are very different from mine – and I enjoyed that balance when we worked together. For about a year, we met monthly with a difficult group of participants. Most of these folks didn’t seem interested in what we were sharing; however, they were required to attend these classes to receive food vouchers for participating, so they would reluctantly show up for the sessions. We had a new group of participants each time, so it was difficult to build rapport with them. When the class would roll around each month, I found myself dreading the experience, and I knew from our conversations that my colleague felt the same way.

After each class, I would be sure to take time to thank my coworker for her effort. I expressed how grateful I was to have her share her expertise with the group. Since I knew that teaching these classes could be challenging, I wanted to be sure that she knew how much I appreciated her willingness to continue to work with the less-than-friendly participants. I thought that pointing out my continued gratitude would be motivating and would let her know that her efforts were well-appreciated – at least by me.

One afternoon, after about six months of these classes, as I was packing up our materials, I thanked her again for her efforts. She stopped what she was doing, turned to me and said, “You know, you don’t need to thank me each time we come here.” She continued, “And actually when you thank me every time, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m just doing my job. I know that you appreciate me, and I really like working with you. So you don’t need to continue to thank me.”

That was such a profound teachable moment for me, and I was very grateful to her for sharing her feelings (although I refrained from expressing my gratitude). Her honest, well-expressed comments helped me realize that I had only been thinking of my own patterns of communication – what I liked and positively responded to. I hadn’t really taken into consideration her personality and how to effectively communicate in a way that resonated with her. In other words, I wasn’t treating her the way she preferred to be treated. While my intentions were good, my execution was all wrong.

Interacting with people in meaningful and fulfilling ways requires us to observe, ask, listen and learn about the folks who fill our lives. The process of relationship building can be complicated, confusing…and wonderful. Connecting with another person involves empathy, understanding and, many times, the need to move outside of our own patterns of behavior, thought or comfort. Opening ourselves to the complexity of others, without judgment, enables us to recognize that while we may have many similar traits, experiences and beliefs, we are indeed individual and unique.

Visit go.osu.edu/seekexcellence to discover the educational programs and resources that can help you and your team learn more about building strong relationships.

(Submitted by Becky Nesbitt, Assistant Professor and Extension Educator, Ohio Valley EERA)

Coaching made me a better boss

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When I was hired as program director for Alber Enterprise Center in December 2011, I thought I knew how to be a manager and leader. After all, for two decades I studied the best authors – Drucker, Collins, Covey, Buckingham, Friedman and dozens more. I witnessed a myriad of management styles in private business and public education, and listened to their employees’ reactions, praise and complaints, then eventually began teaching leadership development courses. I knew the importance of listening, team building, problem solving, performance management and conflict resolution skills; especially their role in engaging employees and moving the organization forward. Yes, I felt confident in my abilities to lead my own team.

Well, I learned there is a difference between knowing and doing! My personal style of working entails rolling up my sleeves and digging in, taking full ownership of all details while visioning the future. My new team was great, helping me understand our center’s history with clients and excited about the opportunities to develop updated programs. After three years, we were holding our own but I knew we had so much more potential to make an impact. Sensing we had stalled, I found myself wondering about my abilities as a leader. Then a phone call from a certified coach transformed our team into a high speed powerhouse that doubled the number of delivered programs in six short months.

He called me in hopes of becoming one of our center’s educational partners; a partner in delivery of leadership training and coaching. I decided that the best way to assess his qualifications was to try him out on our team. He facilitated our strategic plan and provided follow-up coaching to help us implement our goals.

Coaching 2015-04-30What did the coach do for each of us?

  • Confidentially identified behaviors each team member wished to strengthen
  • Assessed our current level of skill in each of those behavioral areas
  • Assembled a plan of action for improvement
  • Monitored our progress through feedback and other objective means

I learned two key lessons during my coaching sessions that have helped take our center to a new level of performance:

  • Let go of the details and delegate them to others – stay focused on the big picture instead of getting “tangled in the weeds”
  • Empower others to take ownership of their jobs by using the coaching techniques I learned – listening more and speaking less, asking questions rather than directing, rewarding positive behavior and sharing successes as a team

This external (and objective) assessment not only made me a better leader and manager but has also elevated the performance of our organization and its members in the process.

(Submitted by Myra Wilson, MS, SPHR, Program Director, Alber Enterprise Center)
You want SUCCESS . . . We have SOLUTIONS!

Teamwork, it’s not rocket science…or is it?

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Have you ever noticed that when we want to illustrate how easy something is, we compare it to rocket science or brain surgery? Ok, it requires years of advanced educational study and hundreds of hours of technical experience to master aerospace engineering or neurological surgery. But, truthfully, the average person will never need to become adept at either of these disciplines. Effectively working on a team and getting along with others – those are skills that are necessary for everyone.  Unfortunately, embracing the abilities needed to be a good team member and build relationships with others is not always easy. In fact, it can be downright difficult – kind of like rocket science…or brain surgery.

Emotional 3In a 2004 article in the journal Psychological Science, J. Richard Hackman contends that effective team members are people who possess the emotional maturity needed for their roles with their teammates. His research shows that fostering emotional maturity is essential; however, it is a trait that tends to be developmental in nature and cannot be readily taught. Well, you’ll get no argument here. In fact, while many institutions of higher learning offer degrees in neurology or engineering, we’ve yet to see a university that offers a degree in emotional maturity.

So what are those elusive (for some folks, anyway) skills that demonstrate emotional maturity, thus enabling a person to be a good team member? Here’s a list of our top three essential teammate traits:

  • Trust – Let’s face it, trust is the foundation of all relationships.  Whether it’s with your spouse, your friends, your coworkers or your hair stylist, if you don’t trust the person, you’re not going to be willing to take the risk of being open, honest, and well, trusting.  For a good team to work, we need to be able to count on each other.  Building trust takes time – and dare we say, it also helps to have face-to-face interactions now and then.  Social media and Skype are wonderful tools to keep in touch, but there’s just something about breathing the same air as someone else, and actually spending time interacting together at the very same GPS coordinate that helps to build a strong, reality-based relationship that goes beyond cute photos and 140 characters of type.
  • Open Communication – Ok, this seems like a no-brainer.  But trying to build a team with a poor communicator can seem like working with a person with no brain.  Good communication skills include the ability to effectively and diplomatically express yourself, while quieting your inner voice (and the one resonating from your face) long enough to listen to and understand another person.  Honesty, tempered with genuine and sincere kindness, help grease the communication gears, preventing resentment and allowing a shared sense of responsibility to grow.
  • Flexibility – Guess what…things don’t always go your way.  Good team members know that compromise and a willingness to adapt to change are essential when working with others.  And honestly, it’s that combination of ideas – that diversity of thought and experience – that really contributes to building a strong product – and a strong team.

So, creating a good, effective and enjoyable team really isn’t rocket science. It’s actually a lot more complicated than that.

If you want to learn more about how we’ve worked to make our team more successful, check out our June 2014 article in the Journal of Extension, joe.org/joe/2014june/iw4.php.

Becky Nesbitt and Rose Fisher Merkowitz, OSU Extension Educators for Community Development, have worked together for many years, building a strong and effective team focused on providing educational materials related to leadership and organizational development. Take a look at the educational programs that Becky and Rose offer at go.osu.edu/seekexcellence.

(Submitted by Becky Nesbitt, Assistant Professor and Extension Educator, Ohio Valley EERA, and Rose Fisher Merkowitz, Associate Professor and Extension Educator, Miami Valley EERA.)

The fragile nature of a new idea

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I’m a writer – well, sort of.  Couched within my job as an Extension Educator is the expectation that I’ll write. Fact sheets, flyers, marketing materials, news articles…Extension folks write stuff. Over the years, I’ve seen plenty of really good – and a few not so skilled – writers. And great or bad, every writer needs a good editor – someone who can help clarify ideas, find embarrassing typos, and get those commas where they belong.

I’ve served as an editor as often as I’ve been a writer, which is why I never forget that the act of writing is kind of amazing – it’s like creating something from nothing; and editing is like taking that new creation and sanding away the rough the edges. The effort it takes to write – to fill a page (or more likely, a computer screen) that was once  void of any intelligence or creativity, with information, poetry, ideas, solutions, questions – takes effort, imagination, and courage.

Idea exchangeWriting isn’t the only creative venture that takes courage. This same philosophy also applies to generating ideas. Countless times, I’ve been in meetings where folks are brainstorming ideas to address an issue; then someone begins to strike down the ideas, edit (kill) them, until all that’s left is a pile of bright, shiny potential covered with slimy, gray criticism. Okay, calm down, I know that the dialogue balancing creativity and evaluation is essential. My point is that we should make it a practice to acknowledge the fragile nature of new ideas and occasionally provide a protected environment to allow some of the better thoughts to take root and grow. New ideas are like fragile bubbles, floating out in the open, in full daylight, where anyone with an opinion, an agenda, or a little indigestion from lunch, can pop them.

Noted Nobel Prize scientist and humanitarian, Dr. Linus Pauling shared, “The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas.” Of course, not every idea is a good one; in fact many are probably not workable. But plenty of good things have come from crazy ideas – like digital cameras, the Apollo space program, and imitation crab meat (okay, some things are a matter of taste). Without those people who are willing to take a risk on a novel idea, we would never have experienced the joy of flying, the convenience of the Post-It Note, or sweet pulp of a seedless watermelon. So the next time you’re in a meeting and presented with an innovative or unusual idea, take a moment before sharing why you think it won’t work, and consider all of the unlikely reasons that it may just be brilliant.

(Submitted by Becky Nesbitt, Assistant Professor and Extension Educator, Ohio Valley EERA)