#proflife

#ProfLife #4: Assistant professor vs. grad student years

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I’ve been an assistant professor about as long as I was a grad student.  It’s interesting to reflect on these two high-growth times in my life.

I feel like I have grown and been challenged much more in the past 5+epsilon years (epsilon is starting to approach unity!!!) than during my grad student years.  Part of that is on account of life—as I’ve been learning my professor job, I’ve also been learning how to parent an extremely active and extroverted and intense small child.  But mostly it is the sheer amount of new stuff flung my way at a high baud rate in my work life.  Sometimes I think I need to reserve ~5 hrs/week for the “expected unexpected” things that land in my lap that I somehow need to figure out how to deal with fast and not too shoddily.  I’ve grown, I’ve stretched, I’ve failed (and rebounded) so much.  I’ve learned so many very different things.

That said, in many ways graduate school was much harder, and if I had to choose between reliving my student days or my assistant professor days, I would definitely choose the latter.  I learned a lot as a graduate student, most significantly, how to run my own research program.   But, most of my time in grad school I struggled to the point of near-paralysis with imposter syndrome, and was suffering from untreated and undiagnosed depression.  I was learning how to be an adult.  I didn’t know if I had the “right stuff” for my longed-for career in academia.  I didn’t have the perspective and wisdom that I have now.  I didn’t have the experience to guide me to not sweat the small things or the hard times.

For me, wisdom and experience defeats youthful energy any day.  I’m definitely playing the long game, career-wise, and looking for a more productive and more zen future.

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I realized only later, after having mentally mapped out most of this post, that I was a postdoc for a similar amount of time as I was a grad student and a professor as well.  Trust me, there was much growth then, too.  But, like most things university-related, much attention is paid to professors and grad students—keeping track of postdocs is at best an afterthought. 😛 Yikes.  More on that later…

#ProfLife #2: A brief thought on respect

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I’m going to try to write, on occasion, a short post.  A collaborator once referred to me as a “treatise writer”.  There is a place for treatises, and a place for short thoughts.

One of the things I value most about my departments is that I can feel the respect my colleagues have for me.  Moreover, if I ask for help or advice, they are eager to provide it, and without judgment.  They take me seriously.  They care. They inspire me to be the best version of myself.

What does this mean for my work like?  I feel like I can work and not worry what people think of me, or feel like I have to defend my turf, or shore myself up for criticism.  I can just be.  And I feel delighted and inspired to pay it forward.

There are plenty of other contexts where I have not or do not always feel that, which makes me value the respect and helpfulness of my faculty colleagues toward me even more.

How do you know you’re in a good work environment or relationship?  When you feel that it enables and inspires you to be the best version of yourself.  How do you know it’s bad and time to get out?  When you work out of fear, when you’re always watching your back, when you feel downtrodden instead of elevated.

 

#ProfLife #1: Top 5 surprises about the job

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I learned the term #ProfLife from my colleague and mentor John Beacom when I showed up (late) to a journal club, consuming a lunch of desk drawer jellybeans while frantically typing out emails and half-listening to the presentation.

A lot of physics undergrads want to go to grad school in physics (or related fields) in order to become professors at universities with a strong focus on research.  Certainly this was me as a baby undergraduate.  The vision I had for myself was that I would be one of the best particle theorists in the world, that I would be a professor at Harvard.  I was motivated by wanting to “win”, the perceived prestige of faculty members, and an enjoyment of physics.

As it turns out, my motivations are not the same as the ones I have now that I’m actually in a university professor job (although I still like physics!).  This is both because I am not the same person as I was as a baby undergraduate, but also because the job is very different from my naive vision.  The fact that it the job is what it is, and not what my 18-year-old self envisioned it to be, is actually pretty great for me; the reality is better suited to my strengths.

There are many things I can say about this job, many of which I will defer to later posts.  Today, I focus on the top five surprising things about my professor job.  Note that experiences vary widely, depending on the person and the institution.  So, this is my experience, but my hunch is the themes are generally applicable.

Number 1: Being a professor is WAY different than being a grad student or postdoc.  As a grad student and postdoc, I spent most of my time working on my projects.  They were MY projects, and I did almost all the work for them.  I knew each piece that went in.  I went to some talks.  I read a lot of papers.  As a grad student, I participated in university and department leadership.  As a postdoc, I started working with many students.  But still, I largely sat in front of my computer or my notepad and thought and calculated.  This is not at all how my days look now!  Most of standard business hours, I am meeting with people—teaching, speaking one-on-one with my advisees, participating in committee meetings of all sorts, going to journal clubs, holding office hours, etc.  I do some writing, reading, and thinking during daylight hours, but not much.  Most of what I get done on that front happens after my kid goes to bed.

My role in projects has shifted a lot.  I set the broad vision for my group, help define projects, consult, send comments, etc.  But I don’t do the vast majority of the calculations and analysis that goes on in my group, and there’s a lot my advisees do (like write code!) that I never see. I do a lot of resource generation for my group (writing grant, observing, and computing proposals) so that everyone has what they need to do their science.

There are a lot of other things I do.  I talk with various people in the university administration.  I help set a national and international vision for my field.  I fill out a lot of paper work.  I try to improve the climate in my departments and my field.  I write problems for my class.  I think a lot about how to improve how we do science and how we teach science.  Someone once said that she thought that university professors were like small business owners—we have to be jacks-of-all-trades.  Part of this division of my time is self-imposed—I have a big group tackling ambitious projects, and I have to fund them and keep everyone marching in the same direction.  But part of it is intrinsic.  Every faculty person does a little bit of everything.  But some people focus more in one direction than another, because, like anything else, some faculty are more skilled at and devote more time to some things rather than others.  Every department hopes that, on average, they have all their bases covered.  The chair of one of my departments made a comment to that effect today (NB: I am writing part of this during another faculty meeting; paying attention, but I’ve heard the presentation going on right now already this week; multitasking! Also, writing this post has taken about a month.).  But still, the small business owner model is apt.

Number 2: I spend a lot of my time dealing with mental health issues.  The transition to adulthood is hard, and early adulthood is when mental health conditions first become symptomatic.  In addition to that, grad school is stressful–there are not many metrics for success, the apprenticeship model leaves many students vulnerable and exploited, and there is a significant amount of existential angst about what students will do after graduation.  There is a nice article in Physics Today outlining some issues, particularly in the context of graduate students, and recommending some changes about how we as a community think about mental health.

The direct consequence to me is that I spend an unexpected amount of time working through mental health issues.  This is such a serious issue, one which I was completely unprepared and ill-equipped to deal with.  I have been really scrambling to figure out how to help or support students and other community members.  I’ve learned that there are some things I can do, and some things I can’t.  I can tell students about on-campus resources, and nudge them to make use of them.  I can’t schedule appointments for students.  If you are an OSU student and you feel like you’re struggling, PLEASE fill out an online contact form at Student Counseling and Consultation Services, they will call you back and work with you to connect you to a provider.

Number 3: There are effectively infinite demands on my time, and I have to accept that I have to be defensive of my time and do a crap job at some things.  There is always something that someone wants me to do.  I just don’t have time for all the things.  I don’t even have time to do the things I really really want to do, much less the things I’m not so pumped about.  I am still learning how to let things go, and how to be more efficient with my time in order to accomplish more things.  I’m still learning how to prioritize.  It’s a work in progress, but I have come an astounding way since I started at OSU five years ago.  One thing that’s hard for me, as a person who aims to please and do well, is learning not to give it 100% all the time, and not to beat myself up about it.  There’s only one of me.  The very hardest part right now is scaling down my ambition to fit my life and to prioritize my mental and physical health.  It’s hard, people!  https://goo.gl/images/oH6EFQ

Number 4: Teaching is hard.  Where have I felt out of my depth with the least support?  Teaching.  In grad school and as a postdoc, I got some professional training for some of the key aspects of my job.  My supervisors helped me develop my research skills.  I got some practice at writing proposals and supervising students on projects.  I learned how to give a good talk (although my talks are even better now).  But I was not prepared to be the instructor of record for a class of eager and not-so-eager students.  There are a lot of big things that are hard: what is the right style for the course (note: lecturing is BAD; any sort of active framework is better)?  How do I deal with disrespect between any pair of parties in the class (me included)?  How do I design a course?  How do I deal with cheating?  Whom are we serving?  Whom SHOULD we be serving? There are also a lot of small(er) things that are hard: How do I set the curve?  What are the department’s expectations for this course?  What happens if a student’s grade is right on the line between two letter grades? What if my classroom is too small for the number of students who need to take the class?  What do I do with record enrollment for this class?

What I can say is that I’m a much better teacher now than when I started five years ago. Much of that improvement comes from trial and error.  I still feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.  I read some physics education research literature and talk with colleagues.  I should make use of the university’s course design institute.  But I feel like I am making stuff up as I go along.  I don’t like this feeling, but mastery of anything takes time and experience.  A wise person (Prof. Lillian McDermott, one of the founders of the field of physics education research) once said that teaching is a scholarly activity. It is, but one that doesn’t get as much attention as it should.

Number 5: There are a lot of things I can and should learn from a huge range of people. I have learned so much from so many people in the past five years.  The women grad students in physics taught me a LOT about being a woman in physics, and about intersectionality.  My faculty colleagues have taught me A LOT about how to navigate the university and the field.  Postdocs and students have taught me to be a better coder.  Our program coordinator and department executive assistant have taught me how to university likes to inhale its (electronic) paperwork and keep my research operation from compliant with university and federal regulations.  The grad and undergrad program coordinators have helped me learn how to navigate the university’s student services.  I’ve gotten good advice from a lot of senior people, at OSU and at other places, when I was at a critical need for feedback.  My main recommendations here are to ask for help when you need it (I bang on A LOT of doors), and be gracious to everyone you encounter.

Closing:

Being a faculty person has stretched me in ways I didn’t think was possible.  Compared to where I started five years ago, I’m wiser, faster, etc.  But the most important lesson I’ve learned is how to fail gracefully, and just keep trying to be better and do better.