September 23:
Today I went on two walks, bringing the total up to 10. I chose east Hudson street and Sherman Studio Art Center.
East Hudson street is in Clintonville, just north of the Ohio State campus. I lived at 213 from August 2018 to July 2020. It was my first time really leaving home. Not like leaving to live in a dorm, like take everything you own because your little sister is moving into your old bedroom. I feel like this is where I truly entered adulthood. It is where I started paying my own bills, where I turned 21, where I learned how to parallel park, and where I mourned a loved one for the first time. As I traveled the familiar landscape I remembered all the summer sunsets I walked under, all the rain and snow I watched come down outside my living room window, the shouts of school children during the daytime, the shouts of wanderers at night, the chants of protesters passing by my front door, police sirens and tire screeches. When I sent in my application, I was in love. When I moved in 9 months later I was trying to figure out how to profess that love. When I moved out I was trying to move on. It was at 213 east Hudson street that I learned the importance of honesty. If you love someone, you must tell them. All consequences be damned. Not having lived with my heart on my sleeve is my greatest regret.
Sherman Studio Art Center is on the west side of Ohio State campus. I still remember the first time I entered this place. The air was thick with the smell of heat and sawdust. It was August 2017 and the first day of beginning sculpture 1. I was in love but I didn’t know it yet. I was planning to become a ceramicist. I was content. It only took one semester for this place to change my life. I had always considered myself a sculptural ceramicist, in other words I wasn’t fond of making pottery. Joining the sculpture department gave me the freedom to create anything I could imagine, which was both inspiring and frightening. The unknown is always unsettling. I chose to be an artist because I thought it was in my comfort zone. Sculpture showed me that my comfort zone is not the space for creating my best work. It made me reconsider who I thought I was, and who I wanted to be. This is why I chose it as my final walking location. Sherman is the place where I became untethered from who I thought I was, and began the endless journey of self discovery.
After the walks I took 10 rocks to Sherman and set up to destroy a mirror. The mirror I chose was a shard from Mirror Cave, a piece I made almost 2 years ago. This shard came from a sheet that was destroyed, I assume by accident. I foolishly left it outside one night when dropping off more materials. I’m guessing it was hit by a car in the loading zone. It was devastating when I found it broken. That is specifically why I chose it, I wanted to bring purpose to the damage. I set the mirror on a large sheet of paper and brought my basket of rocks up to the top of a ladder. As I picked up each rock I thought about the place and the memories and everything that was trapping me in the past. I breathed out all of the pain, regret, guilt, insecurity, attachment to things gone and things that never will be. I let go of the rock and all of the perceptions I held so tightly. When the rock hit the mirror I expected instant relief, but I was reminded that it is a continuous process. If it were as easy as letting go of a rock, I wouldn’t hold these emotions. The first step is becoming familiar with the rock, being able to identify it when it weighs down my psyche. Then comes the letting go which requires patience and practice. Eventually I will have power over my narrative the same way I have power over the fragile mirror.