My STEP project focused on improving my confidence in skills I love but bring me stress when performing for others. I took weekly singing lessons for the summer as well as weekly online dance classes at Broadway Dance Center. Both of these programs followed my goal of becoming a better musical theatre performer and preparing to choreograph a show.

Taking singing and dancing lessons doesn’t sound like a dramatic transformational experience, but I learned a lot about myself over the summer. I love these subjects dearly, but I always found myself crumpling when it came to performing. My main goal was to end this dreadful cycle I found myself in by putting in the hard work to improve. Over the eight weeks I realized just how hard I was holding myself to a perfectionist standard and completely ruining the things I enjoyed. While lessons could help me feel more confident in my abilities, I was treating them like a to-do list and not like the ongoing process they are. At some point between high school and college, my escape became another stressor, and not just because I wanted to sound and look like all the Broadway stars. I decided that what others think of my talent directly correlated to my worth, and that makes me imitate others to an unachievable goal. Moving forward, I have to realize that any art, or anything for that matter, that I put into the world has value whether it’s groundbreaking or not.

When I went in for my first singing lesson, I was regretting my decision for the project. My proposal was based around letting myself be seen by others to force myself out of my comfort zone, so of course I was filled with anxiety and dread. In the middle of a song I had a complete meltdown and wanted to ditch the entire project. I didn’t sound how I wanted to sound, I kept focusing on my teacher’s reactions, and the embarrassment was taking control. All I could think about was what he was thinking about me. He was very kind and tried to help all he could, but I could tell he felt wary about preparing for the next seven lessons. I left dejected but determined to come the next week and blow him away. To do this hours of practice was necessary, along with finding coping methods to push the anxiety away.

The next week I could see the surprise on his face that I was asking for critiques. Critiques are necessary to get better, but recently they had just sounded like reasons I wasn’t good enough. I was extremely lucky to get the singing teacher I did. He understood my problems and how they translated into my singing. He knew ways to help me push past them that others hadn’t. For example, if I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to hit a note I’d end up faking it, so he’d have me sing it into a kazoo first to trick my brain. His advice on finding my own tone and how to act naturally led to me feeling for the first time like I could actually do this on stage. This relationship also taught me, head-on, that skills like this take time. The process isn’t linear. Lesson 4 I was belting one of my favorite musicals well, but in lesson 5 I felt like I was right back where I started. Vocal cords are a muscle, and they need trained and have bad days just like anything else.

My Broadway Dance Center classes were always the highlight of my day. One class I took was with Lane Napper (the hip hop teacher from Victorious) and was challenging in the best way. Online dance is absolutely harder for those who have danced before. It requires a lot of focus and comfort to have people judging you through a screen. Sometimes I felt the urge to turn my camera off, but when I did I found I didn’t try nearly as hard. It made me realize just how much of my ability formed because I was held accountable by those around me. That can be a great thing, but it instilled this negative reaction to not being the best. In class we would often do groups to watch others. In such an advance setting it reminded me just how much room there is to improve. Maybe I can dance, but these people were performing. The people who were called out weren’t the ones perfecting the choreography, but the ones putting their own spin on it. Over the past few years I hadn’t been using dance to express myself, but instead to earn my place in the class. Combining the two is necessary to do musical theatre, and to create it.

Here at OSU I find myself in a dance minor and choreographing a musical. In those spaces I am able to create wonderful things and enjoy learning in a different way, but instead I focus on imaginary judgment. In a couple years I will start law school. High hopes of reforming policy and advocating for juveniles gives me purpose, but the path to get there can be terrifying. Law school classes are graded on speaking at the drop of a hat, proving you know your stuff in front of everyone without time to prepare. Before this project my mindset for improving myself was all wrong. My methods were to imitate the people who impressed me, to agree with what others were saying. If I keep my head down and only express myself in safe settings like on paper, eventually results will come. Those routines will only have you reach average levels of careers, not to be a singer, choreographer, or a lawyer that others will look up to. I am capable and need to trust myself over others. You have to be proud of what you do and let others see, otherwise no one has any reason to put their trust you. I’ve always struggled with being a leader, and this project showed me exactly why. Knowing what I now know about myself, I can take on leadership positions and put my own work into the world.

Here is a couple pictures of me during my advanced dance classes. Dancing in the living room was something I had to get used to.