It was never a question of whether I would study abroad in college; always a matter of when. Growing up outside of Chicago, in a sweet little town called Woodstock, Illinois, my parents set me on a track into the Spanish language that many young kids like me did not experience. From first through fifth grade I attended a bilingual elementary program, with half of my day in Spanish, and half in English. Originally intended for students trying to learn English, my entry was an opportunity to broaden my horizons and linguistic capabilities. My parents hoped this experience would allow me to understand how large and different the world could be, despite living in a small suburb and attending a small school. Being out of my comfort zone was a constant state of being, even in first grade, and as I grew accepting both my culture, and a mesh of Spanish roots and language, I began to anticipate a long and rewarding relationship with the Spanish language and cultural identity.

When I left the program, I not only left the friends I had made, from backgrounds vastly different and as rich in tradition as my own, but also felt the absence of the language. I began to look forward to my college years, where I toyed with the idea of studying in a country where Spanish was the norm, and not a language that the society struggled to accept. When the time came to look into schools, I really only had one preference: a school that could send me overseas. Ohio State was a perfect fit in that respect. I immediately searched for opportunities in countries where Spanish language and culture was integral to the societal norms. Madrid was always my first choice; Fisher’s student exchange program became my clear path.

I jetted off to Madrid two weeks prior to my abroad experience official start date, on January third of 2019. I allotted this extra time to get acquainted with my surroundings, and allow for some personal relationship-building with my new home. What did I do those first couple days in Madrid?

Nothing.

It took me about three days to muster the courage to leave my apartment for more than a trip to the grocery store. It was as if after years of building a rapport with this cultural identity, I fell flat into a state of fear and discomfort. I had, and have never, experienced anything quite like it. In all my mental, emotional, and physical preparation for my journey, I forgot to give myself a realistic review of my social abilities in this new culture, and for the first time, I had to face debilitating social anxiety. My typical outgoing-to-the-point-of-raucous nature was subdued; I doubted any Spanish speaking skills I had developed over the years and self-doubt clouded my vision, augmenting the insecurities I already held. My innately curious nature for cultural and historical notes in society was quashed by an overarching insecurity and absent sense of self. And thus began a new chapter of self-awareness that I developed during my trip abroad, and will, I imagine, stick with me through the rest of my life; In the six months that followed, I was forced to analyze my personal contribution in social interactions, and examine connections that transcended the barriers of diverging cultural identities. As I initially found excitement in traveling with no connections to Madrid, I found new anxiety in the lack of comfort and support in this foreign city.

Most people that know me from an occupational connection, or perhaps through my sorority, would refrain from labeling me as socially anxious; this is what remains, to this day, a barrier in relating my experience abroad to my friends back home. The first weeks, and even months, of my life in Madrid were spent in a perpetual state of unnerve and self-questioning. What remained through that period however, was a consistent effort to fight through this unfamiliar disconcertion, and a newfound appetite for profound connection.

I always reminisce on the sessions I had to prepare for my trip to Madrid, and the mentions of “networking” that would inevitably arise as an opportunity from life overseas. Now, months later, I could never compare the stresses of a business fair, or recruitment session, to the relationships I built in Madrid and in my travels. These relationships can truly stand the pressures of time and distance; they were assembled under those conditions. The closeness and connections that were built in the “abroad” climate had to come from a place of vulnerability, on either end. Such relationships dig under the surface of classwork and social cues; they had to trump the vast cultural ties that had cultivated the personality and ideas that we held closely for years. The ideals that made us who we are. In that sense, the last six months were the most difficult period of my life. Building these types of relationships with others required just as much analysis of my own perspective, prejudice, and preference. It was also the most rewarding and exciting time, filled with an incredible amount of personal growth.

Following my 5 months studying, my mom and I ventured on a two-week hike along the coast of Portugal, El Camino De Santiago, where I believe many of these realizations came to a forefront. This time alone gave me the ability to process my time abroad and understand the meaning that it would hold in the grand scheme of things. Returning to the United States was met with a complacent anticipation on my end, and an apprehension for the transition back to my “home” culture. However, it was accepted with a different state of mind; after the last six months, it is hard to look at any social interaction and societal norm the same. With each new experience and socialization comes an understanding of the nuances in culture that impact the way we behave, and the empathy that must accompany real connection.

Going forward, I know that my experience abroad will contribute to my development in many ways. I anticipate returning to Europe and have new hopes that my professional life will intertwine with foreign cultures. Though my relative direction in occupation remains unchanged from my experience, the conditions for my feeling successful and challenged have. My biggest requirement in that sense is that I continue to live professionally and personally in a state of compassion and curiosity that permeated my life in Spain, and led to allowing people and places into my life that will remain for years to come.