The Reader (Responsibility in a Relationship to be Oneself)

The Reader by Bernhard Schlink – an extremely successful novel published in 1995, translated quickly and eventually filmed.

The characterization of the initial relationship between Hannah Schmitt and Michael Berg was one of unequal experience and power, which ultimately dooms their love from the start. As I think about several similarities that this relationship has to ones in my life, I think about how too much time and too much pressure sours even the sweetest grape. The requirement of subordination of not only Michael’s desires, but his independence were what made the relationship last as long as it did – as long as Hannah could decide what they would do, where they would go, etc.

I thought that this might actually have been burdensome to her – too much responsibility for the happiness of another, but no, it was comforting i assume, for her to be in control for both parties, at least at the beginning.

The problem is then, that eventually both of them begin to feel like they’re enslaved to one another as they grow dependent upon each other for emotional and ego satisfaction and fulfillment. And here is the problem, they have donned their roles, their routines – fearful of slipping power, fearful of showing themselves, they end up not being authentic. They don’t feel like they can really say what they feel to each other – it gets buried and resentment grows – because they worry that it will end very quickly, abruptly and that would be very painful for both parties, so they go on with their masks and their roles, eventually becoming utterly bored with one another. The problem then is that for the one in control – the boredom derives from having someone who never challenges you around, which easily turns into sadistic games in order to avert the boredom of the masked relationship. Either way, whether challenged and punished with coldness, or bored and dropped for someone more novel, the relationship is set on a course that will end with the one who has made themselves dependent falling into a void of isolated loss or a panicky flight to capture what has flown the coup.

I thought to myself that If I ever found myself in this situation, probably the best thing to do would be to challenge the person – whether they are the oppressor or the dependent – it is really the only way either of you will grow and the only way to break the cycle of loss and despair. For this, you have to be willing for it to end, for better or worse, both parties have their egos wrapped up into the interpersonal master-slave dynamic . In this way, perhaps the only way, both can recover their sense of feeling authentic – that their self is valued. In this way, they can feel that they have stood up for themselves, in their commitment to authenticity…if you wait until you are dropped, followed by the ever too present ghosting, the ego is shattered, too much of its definition, because of its dependency, is lost and a terrible void of being, the freedom of being alone, is anxiety inducing to the point of paralysis. This is all because neither party ever showed themselves – who they really are, to the other person – they never stood up for themselves – and on both sides of it, they should feel like things have never really been resolved or been able to be declared over, because the final word has not yet been said. Instead, there is the trauma as if a loved one has suddenly and tragically died in a traffic accident, without having said goodbye – or an even worse scenario, like the one in Three Billboards outside Ebbing Missouri, in which the mother wishes her daughter dead before she is brutally raped and set on fire that very night.

At one point, a miscommunication evokes the narcissistic rage of Hannah. One feels sympathy for her, however, in that one is made to understand that she felt abandoned.

“I understood that she was upset. I understood that she wasn’t upset because I couldn’t upset her. I understood that I couldn’t upset her, but that she simply couldn’t allow me to behave that way to her. In the end, I was happy that she admitted I’d hurt her.” “Later . . . If she had just wanted to win a power game.”

It is clearly a power game – it is game played to see who can hurt whom more. Hannah doesn’t like the fact that Michael has made her feel vulnerable or that she has felt emotions at all – it is clear that something happened that has made her want to bury these feelings. Something in her past that we are not yet privy to as the reader of the book, but will slowly find out a little more. She doesn’t want to be responsible for Michael either and this is because she fears the abandonment that may come, she fears the anxiety that will come whether she is abandoned or not, because the fear of it happening will forever remain a possibility. It is the fear of losing someone you love that comes from years of building up walls to keep oneself safe from becoming attached to anyone or anything.

“Then I began to betray her. . . . I didn’t reveal anything that I should have kept to myself. I kept something to myself that I should have revealed. I didn’t acknowledge her.”

And like the end of many a relationship, this demise begins with dishonesty. It is not surprising that Michael feels unable to be able to tell the truth, since it would most definitely be met with some sort of punishment. Since Michael cares for her, it is the same emotional bond that keeps him from ever really letting her know him. In the end, this leads to an inauthentic life – Michael is not Michael when he is around Hannah, he is less. This produces a slow suffering stroked by the fear of rejection. It is much easier to put up a front – a fake persona – and have that be rejected – because then you can always say to yourself that it wasn’t really you that was refused. It is much easier than to risk putting yourself  – your real self – into play with such a punitive personality, because then if you are rejected – it was most definitely you, there is something about you that was deemed unworthy. And yet this is the only way to truly grow, strengthen your resolve, and get to know who you really are becoming.