My family…God love them. My family is a essential part of me, being one of seven kids makes that an undeniable fact. Seven kids ranging from 36 to 19 years old and all so vastly different too. But if I could use one word to describe my family it would be close. Rather this closeness was a the result of of being seven children raised by a single mother or a consequence of having a sick mother who was in and out of the hospital, I don’t know. Its likely a combination of both. In the general line up I am number four, but the oldest girl. An important distinction because it was essential to the role I was given to play. I was/am their anchor. I am the advice giver, the counselor, baby sitter, life coach and the list goes on and on. I can remember being a teenager cooking dinner while my mom was in the hospital and trying to convince my second oldest brother to take his medication. Selfishly so, because I was too worried about my mother to have the energy to have to look for him if he wandered off again. This was never an issue, it was just the way life was. But after my mother died their dependency on me intensified and it was a responsibility that got harder to shoulder. Even before medical school, before my mom passing my family required a lot of energy. After my mom’s passing I barely had energy to carry my own issues and let own enough energy to carry theirs too.

When my sister moved in with me I was fully on board with taking care of her but terrified I was going to do something wrong – similar to what I assume actual parenting is like. I truly thought raising her would be my number one family stressor. But surprisingly raising my sister and being her weird sister/mother figure (smother as I like to call myself) was one of the easiest and brightest parts of the last few years. I will not deny that there were struggles but we made it through therapy, graduation, first jobs, and first dates. Does she annoy me – yes frequently, she’s a teenager. Does she make me question my sanity – once a day and twice on Sundays. But she gave me focus, she brings me joy and I cant imagine my life without her in it.

 

But my family is a huge responsibility. My family has a unique ability to be my solace and my misery. They bring me joy, they help me de-stress and I have a ton of nieces and nephews that brighten my day. But their one sided need for me to solve all of their problems was slowly turning to frustration and resentment. I was struggling constantly with being a good sister, cousin, aunt and niece without letting it overcome me. In their defense change is hard. This is the way life has always been. Further complicating this is my resemblance to my mother. As I’ve been told the older I get the more I look, think and sound like her. My siblings aren’t the only culprits I have aunts and uncles who saw my mother as their anchor and in that place they have substituted me. My Uncle Michael once told me he called me to reminisce and ramble so frequently because I look, think and sound enough like my mother that he can pretend he’s speaking with her. As problematic, for many reasons, as that statement is he is not alone in doing this.

 

So changing how I interacted with my family and changing how they viewed my role in their life was an uphill battle. While many of them adamantly refuse to try this new two way street of support a few of them do try. After I spent several weeks talking to my older brothers about being supportive he called me and we had the following conversation that I actually posted on Facebook with his permission because it amused me:

Older Brother: Hey I need to talk to you ’cause Rickii [my sister in law] made me so mad yesterday. Apparently I’m being supportive now so what do you want me to do so I can complain.

Me: You could just ask me about my day.

OB: How was your day Leslie now that we being formal?

Me (laughing): It was good. I ..

——- 5 mins later

OB: Cool, cool. Anyway…..[conversation and complaining session continues for the next 20 mins]

This is my family and this them literally trying. And I love them for it.

I spent over a year of my life working on my own wellness and balance including in dealing with my family and my responsibility to them. So I’m walking a tightrope. In finding my balance I made a goal for myself: to be there for my family as much as I can without letting it get to the point that I  have taken on so much that I am no longer enjoying my family. So I know longer stay up until 5 AM to talk to my family when I have school the next day and I know longer go home on the weekend even when I don’t have time because they asked me to do so. I go home on holidays and special occasions and i keep my nieces and nephews if I have a free weekend. This was necessary for my long term wellness and career. This approach has received mixed reviews to say the very least. But it works for me. I love my family always and I am here for them if they need me but it feels great to see them as less of a duty and more of a gift.