My first semester at OSU was tough, but I am proud that I made it through. I did well in my classes and built connections with a few of my instructors. I have amazing roommates and have made some spectacular friends. I am practicing new and better ways of self-care and self-love. Overall, I learned a lot and have grown a lot, both as a student and as a person.
I wish that I could leave it there.
On the first day of classes, I took a picture of my feet, imagining how they would take me into the future. I didn’t know then that those same feet would take me in and out of the hospital and doctors’ and specialists’ offices multiple times this semester. I didn’t know that they would walk me to bathrooms to have my first panic attacks. I didn’t know that I would hug them at night and cry with loneliness and fatigue.
Managing school and my deteriorating physical and mental health alone and very far from home has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. I am a performer, and it is easy to put up a smile, but it is harder than I thought it would be to keep it there. I learned this semester that I know less than I thought I did about who I am and what I want. I learned that I am not timeless – more than that, I learned that I am very mortal and very vulnerable. I learned that being alone is better than having friends who don’t respect you (that’s how you find the people who do respect you), even though secluding oneself can feel way worse in the short run.
I don’t want this to sound like a pity party. Everything that I learned was something that I needed to learn – and I’m still learning it. I didn’t come to school here just for the classes; I want the wholistic experience. However, it would be misleading of me not to say that this semester was the scariest semester that I have ever lived through. And yet, somehow, I did live through it. Those naive feet that smiled for the camera on that first day are still carrying me. So I will take that as a good sign.