Where does motivation come from?

It has to come from somewhere, right? I often struggle with this. It makes it hard for me to do anything since I usually lack motivation for anything. I’ve been using everything I could think of for the last few years. The truth is, nothing lasts.

One may find reasons, but they only work for so long. I hate that I grow immune to motivational reasons. Still, so far I find that my family is my strongest motivating factor. I found that I really don’t care too much about myself. I may be a selfish person, but from studying my habits it seems like I don’t consider my well being too much. However when it comes to other people I find that I can push myself. I feel a little contradicted.

Recently one of the things that have motivated me was my little brother. Seeing him looking well in the prime of his teenage years stirred something in me. I am supposed to be his older brother. What kind of path am I laying down for him. What kind of example am I setting? Do I want him to end up where I am? Don’t I want for him something better? What the heck does he really like anyway?!

I wasn’t the best of brothers growing up. Over the years I have become increasingly aware of my flaws and bad decisions growing up. I wish I could fix them. Getting a little depressed from these things might be one of the reasons I keep losing my motivation. I haven’t done much that’s actually impressive. All I have is what God shows the public.

God is indeed the most merciful for keeping public knowledge of me at such a state that I have some level of respect. I just find that day by day I am losing it. (This post is not turning out to be what I had in mind. I guess these posts are all going to be from some strong emotion; in this case depression).

They say centering ourselves around following God is the best way to live life. As God is eternal, so would be our reason to strive. But it isn’t so easy. I feel ashamed sometimes of calling myself a Muslim. Even with my bad memory I remember countless times that God had made me feel like I was on top of the world and other times when He saved me from what was a disaster in my eyes. Yet I can still be so ungrateful. If anyone reads this please pray for me. I know what my duty is, and I believe it with every unit of life I have, but I can’t seem to live it.

I am always tired and almost always failing my goals. I see the strong people around me and wonder how they get that way. I know there’s something I always think of the wrong way. I just don’t know it yet. There’s something wrong in my mindset, the way I do things, maybe the way I also look at things. Indeed, I wonder where does this motivation come – the motivation to fight one’s mind and body day-in and day-out. I am told, and I know for it to be true, that only God grants this, but I just wonder what it is that I do, that I cannot attain it.