Have you ever had the feeling of grief or loss without closure? If so, perhaps you were struggling with something called ambiguous loss. If you’ve ever dealt with breaking up with someone, a child moving to college, aging parents, or your own degenerative health condition, you have most likely experienced ambiguous loss. In the 1970s, Dr. Pauline Boss termed this type of grief as ambiguous loss to describe a feeling of loss without closure, originally studying families of Vietnam War soldiers who went missing in action. This research was expanded to examine other situations where the loss remains unclear: family members disappearing in natural disasters, families separated at international borders, caregiving for dementia, divorce, stillbirth, and many more.
Research tells us that ambiguous loss is a relational disorder brought on by the lack of facts surrounding the loss of a loved one. Ambiguous loss differs from other types of loss in that there is either no confirmation of death or no certainty that the person will return to the way they used to be. This type of loss can not only be confusing, but it can also prevent resolution of the loss, which can freeze the grief process, leaving individuals and families stuck in their grief and impair normal functioning. People don’t deal well with ambiguity under normal circumstances, and in the dealing with loss, ambiguity poses even more of a challenge. Our minds use closure to help understand the situation and process grief.
The pandemic posed a unique dilemma in that everyone experienced loss of one sort or another. No one got any closure on the former way of life before the pandemic required us to adapt to a chaotic new way of life. Many of us have experienced grief for all we have lost.
Thankfully with this research as well as the accounts of those who struggle with it, there are some ways we can deal with ambiguous loss.
- Name what you’re feeling. Labeling what you’re going through might be the first step toward healing.
- Work toward acceptance. Find a way to make peace with the situation and live with ambiguity.
- Pet a guinea pig. Well, it doesn’t have to be a guinea pig, but any pet can offer comfort and lighten your grief.
- Get support from others. Open up to a close friend or family member so they know what you’re going through.
- Look for the positives. Ponder how this new way of life has brought you new relationships.
- Find meaning through action. You will not only feel better in having helped others, you may connect with others that have gone through something similar.
- Seek help when needed. If you continue to have trouble coping, seek out a therapist who specializes in grief counseling.
Writer: Shannon Carter, Extension Educator, Family & Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University Extension, Fairfield County, carter.413@osu.edu
Reviewer: Christine Kendle, Extension Educator, Family & Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University Extension, Tuscarawas County, kendle.4@osu.edu
Soucres:
Boss, P. Ambiguousloss.com. 2023. College of Education and Human Development, Department of Family and Social Science, University of Minnesota. https://www.ambiguousloss.com//
Stephens, E. The Countdown We’ve All Been Waiting For… Jun 29, 2023. Live Healthy Live Well, The Ohio State University. https://livehealthyosu.com/2023/06/29/the-countdown-weve-been-waiting-for/
What Ambiguous Loss Is and How To Deal With It. A psychologist shares ways to cope with a lack of closure. Feb. 17, 2022. Health Essentials. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/ambiguous-loss-and-grief/
