When my daughter was three days old, she ended up being admitted to a children’s hospital for a 21 day stay. During this time, I went through so many emotions, anger, sadness, confusion, that I off handedly said it was like I was going through the grieving process. Little did I know that I was in fact going through the grieving process! While many times we think about grief as it relates to the death of a loved one, thought to be “normal” grief, there are several types of grief that people can experience. In my instance, I was experiencing disenfranchised grief.
“Disenfranchised grief is when a person loses something or someone in their life that is important to them, but either their loss is not valued or recognized by others, or the way they’re grieving is not considered to be a socially acceptable way to process grief.” Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not commonly recognized or acknowledged by society. In other words, these are things that happen that to others might not seem like a big deal or a loss at all.
Some examples of disenfranchised grief include:
- Sale of your childhood home
- Loss of someone’s personality due to dementia
- Miscarriage
- Loss of a pet
- Loss of independence such as driving
- Loss of a loved one due to an overdose or substance use
- Canceled plans or event you were excited about
- Loss of an estranged or absent family member
- And in my case loss of time with your newborn at home
The effects of disenfranchised grief can be made worse if others do not validate or acknowledge a person’s feelings of the event or situation. People may play off a situation, saying something “wasn’t a big deal” and you should “get over it”. These types of statements make the grieving process more difficult for the person experiencing this grief. In my example, one of the doctors at the hospital said to me: “It’s 21 days, what is 21 days compared to the rest of her life?” While this statement was probably meant to make it feel like our situation was not a big deal, instead our feelings were not validated and instead minimized the grief I was going through in the moment.
If you find yourself in a situation that you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, often having some sort of ritual can be helpful. These could include things like writing a letter, planting a tree in memory of someone or something that was lost, or to even hold a ceremony to help bring closure to whatever the loss may be.
If you know someone experiencing disenfranchised grief, talk with them. Even if you don’t understand why they are experiencing this grief, let them know that you are there for them and that their feelings matter.
Sources:
Disenfranchised Grief: What It Means and How to Cope With It. May 26, 2023. Sanjana Gupta. https://www.verywellmind.com/disenfranchised-grief-definition-causes-impact-and-coping-5221901
Disenfranchised Grief. 2019. Veronica Thelen. Family Health Psychiatric & Counseling Center. https://www.fhpcc.com/disenfranchised-grief
Types of Grief: It’s Not Always Related to Death. N.D. Hospice of the Golden Isles. https://hospice.me/types-of-grief-its-not-always-related-to-death/
Written by: Katie Schlagheck, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Ottawa & Sandusky Counties
Reviewed by: Holly Bandy, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Stark
