grief

Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief Doesn’t Make Sense

When my daughter was three days old, she ended up being admitted to a children’s hospital for a 21 day stay. During this time, I went through so many emotions, anger, sadness, confusion, that I off handedly said it was like I was going through the grieving process. Little did I know that I was in fact going through the grieving process! While many times we think about grief as it relates to the death of a loved one, thought to be “normal” grief, there are several types of grief that people can experience. In my instance, I was experiencing disenfranchised grief.

“Disenfranchised grief is when a person loses something or someone in their life that is important to them, but either their loss is not valued or recognized by others, or the way they’re grieving is not considered to be a socially acceptable way to process grief.” Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not commonly recognized or acknowledged by society. In other words, these are things that happen that to others might not seem like a big deal or a loss at all.

Some examples of disenfranchised grief include:

  • Sale of your childhood home
  • Loss of someone’s personality due to dementia
  • Miscarriage
  • Loss of a pet
  • Loss of independence such as driving
  • Loss of a loved one due to an overdose or substance use
  • Canceled plans or event you were excited about
  • Loss of an estranged or absent family member
  • And in my case loss of time with your newborn at home

The effects of disenfranchised grief can be made worse if others do not validate or acknowledge a person’s feelings of the event or situation. People may play off a situation, saying something “wasn’t a big deal” and you should “get over it”. These types of statements make the grieving process more difficult for the person experiencing this grief. In my example, one of the doctors at the hospital said to me: “It’s 21 days, what is 21 days compared to the rest of her life?” While this statement was probably meant to make it feel like our situation was not a big deal, instead our feelings were not validated and instead minimized the grief I was going through in the moment.

If you find yourself in a situation that you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, often having some sort of ritual can be helpful. These could include things like writing a letter, planting a tree in memory of someone or something that was lost, or to even hold a ceremony to help bring closure to whatever the loss may be.

If you know someone experiencing disenfranchised grief, talk with them. Even if you don’t understand why they are experiencing this grief, let them know that you are there for them and that their feelings matter.

Sources:

Disenfranchised Grief: What It Means and How to Cope With It. May 26, 2023. Sanjana Gupta. https://www.verywellmind.com/disenfranchised-grief-definition-causes-impact-and-coping-5221901

Disenfranchised Grief. 2019. Veronica Thelen. Family Health Psychiatric & Counseling Center. https://www.fhpcc.com/disenfranchised-grief

Types of Grief: It’s Not Always Related to Death. N.D. Hospice of the Golden Isles. https://hospice.me/types-of-grief-its-not-always-related-to-death/

Written by: Katie Schlagheck, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Ottawa & Sandusky Counties

Reviewed by: Holly Bandy, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Stark

 

Grieving through the holidays and beyond

With the changing weather, many people start thinking about the upcoming holiday season. While this time of year is a often anticipated time, not everyone looks forward to the typical celebrations of the holidays. Whether they are like me and struggle with the shortened days and gloomy weather or whether they have lost a loved one or they are struggling with some other type of loss, the holidays can be an especially difficult time. Grief and grieving can be a natural and normal part of the holidays.

According to the American Psychological Association, “Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.” This lengthy and comprehensive description of grief and its components helps explain why we experience grief differently.

While grief is completely normal, the grieving process is complicated. Grief is personal in that we all experience it differently and it is also universal in that everyone will likely experience some kind of grief during their lifetime. Grief and grieving are dependent on a number of factors. One factor, the type of loss (death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, loss of health or independence, death of a pet, etc.), impacts how one grieves.

The length people grieve varies and grief can come in waves for many years, though it tends to be less intense as time passes. Culture and religious beliefs can influence grieving. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Here are some things to help cope with grief through the holidays and beyond:

Person sitting by window looking sad or down
  • Take care of yourself​ and your family
  • Talk with caring friends​
  • Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones​
  • Prepare for painful reminders​
  • Try not to make any major changes right away​
  • Join a grief support group in person or online​
  • Consider professional support​
  • Talk to your doctor​
  • Be patient with yourself
  • Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting​
  • Talk about the death of your loved one if you want
  • Accept your feelings
  • Reach out and help others dealing with the loss

As the holidays approach, remember it is okay to say no to celebrations or other “obligations.” It is okay to change how holidays are celebrated. It is okay to let others know what you need. While the holidays will not be the same, with proper support and with time, the holidays can be a holly jolly time again.

Writer: Misty Harmon, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Perry County, harmon.416@osu.edu

Reviewer: Ryan Kline, 4-H/Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Ross County, kline.375@osu.edu

Sources:

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-a). Grief. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief/

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-b). Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief

Melinda Smith, M. A. (2023, June 20). Coping with grief and loss. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

Robinson, L. (2023, February 24). Bereavement: Grieving the loss of a loved one. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/bereavement-grieving-the-death-of-a-loved-one.htm

Team, G. E. (2019, May 11). Four tasks of mourning. Grief Counseling: The Grief Process, Models of Grief, and… https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/grief

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2022, July 26). Coping with grief. National Institutes of Health. https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2017/10/coping-grief

Ambiguous Loss

Have you ever had the feeling of grief or loss without closure? If so, perhaps you were struggling with something called ambiguous loss. If you’ve ever dealt with breaking up with someone, a child moving to college, aging parents, or your own degenerative health condition, you have most likely experienced ambiguous loss. In the 1970s, Dr. Pauline Boss termed this type of grief as ambiguous loss to describe a feeling of loss without closure, originally studying families of Vietnam War soldiers who went missing in action. This research was expanded to examine other situations where the loss remains unclear: family members disappearing in natural disasters, families separated at international borders, caregiving for dementia, divorce, stillbirth, and many more.

Research tells us that ambiguous loss is a relational disorder brought on by the lack of facts surrounding the loss of a loved one. Ambiguous loss differs from other types of loss in that there is either no confirmation of death or no certainty that the person will return to the way they used to be. This type of loss can not only be confusing, but it can also prevent resolution of the loss, which can freeze the grief process, leaving individuals and families stuck in their grief and impair normal functioning. People don’t deal well with ambiguity under normal circumstances, and in the dealing with loss, ambiguity poses even more of a challenge. Our minds use closure to help understand the situation and process grief.

Woman, sunset, trees

The pandemic posed a unique dilemma in that everyone experienced loss of one sort or another. No one got any closure on the former way of life before the pandemic required us to adapt to a chaotic new way of life. Many of us have experienced grief for all we have lost.

Thankfully with this research as well as the accounts of those who struggle with it, there are some ways we can deal with ambiguous loss.

  • Name what you’re feeling. Labeling what you’re going through might be the first step toward healing.
  • Work toward acceptance. Find a way to make peace with the situation and live with ambiguity.
  • Pet a guinea pig. Well, it doesn’t have to be a guinea pig, but any pet can offer comfort and lighten your grief.
  • Get support from others. Open up to a close friend or family member so they know what you’re going through.
  • Look for the positives. Ponder how this new way of life has brought you new relationships.
  • Find meaning through action. You will not only feel better in having helped others, you may connect with others that have gone through something similar.
  • Seek help when needed. If you continue to have trouble coping, seek out a therapist who specializes in grief counseling.

Writer: Shannon Carter, Extension Educator, Family & Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University Extension, Fairfield County, carter.413@osu.edu

Reviewer: Christine Kendle, Extension Educator, Family & Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University Extension, Tuscarawas County, kendle.4@osu.edu

Soucres:

Boss, P.  Ambiguousloss.com. 2023. College of Education and Human Development, Department of Family and Social Science, University of Minnesota. https://www.ambiguousloss.com//

Stephens, E. The Countdown We’ve All Been Waiting For… Jun 29, 2023. Live Healthy Live Well, The Ohio State University. https://livehealthyosu.com/2023/06/29/the-countdown-weve-been-waiting-for/

What Ambiguous Loss Is and How To Deal With It. A psychologist shares ways to cope with a lack of closure. Feb. 17, 2022. Health Essentials. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/ambiguous-loss-and-grief/

Grieving Someone You Never Met

The grieving is palpable and genuine, yet many never met the Queen. How is this outpouring of grief so real? Why are so many people sad when they aren’t personally familiar with her?

2 white peace lily flowers with green stems
Peace Lily flowers

The passing of a figurehead, celebrity, or Her Majesty the Queen can stir up feelings of sadness and grief, not because you are going to personally miss the warm hug you received every morning from them, the phone call received on your birthday, or family game nights… but maybe they represented something deeper within yourself. A passage of time, an ideology, an innocence, or maybe they were that something that was consistent in your ever-changing world.

At first, you may not understand why the death of this person has brought up feelings of sadness and grief, and you don’t always have to fully unpack that baggage, but rather acknowledge the emotions, allowing yourself to feel whatever feelings that you need in that moment. It is okay to grieve the loss of someone you didn’t know personally, as it may not be the actual person you are grieving, but what that person symbolized for you.

Your grief may be your outward expression of your ability to empathize with the parents, siblings, spouses, family, and friends of the one that passed, and is a wonderful act of compassion and concern for the welfare of others.  

Grief looks different for everyone because it is a personal process that takes time, and we each address it in a variety of ways.  Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross gave us five stages of grief to better help us understand the process.

  1. Denial – Refusal to believe the loss is real
  2. Anger – Can range from frustration to furry
  3. Bargaining – Attempt to strike a deal to change things
  4. Depression – Sadness when we realize our life is forever changed
  5. Acceptance – We understand our loss has happened and we can’t change it
Flowing chart of what we expect the grief cycle to be vs reality

Grief is a non-linear process meaning that we can process through the stages several times and in any order. However, if the grief process becomes overwhelming, too difficult, or persistent, reach out to a mental health professional as you do not have to deal with grief alone.

Written by Roseanne Scammahorn, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Darke County, scammahorn.5@osu.edu

Reviewed by Susan Zies Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Wood County, zies.1@osu.edu

References:

The Cleveland Clinic. (2022, March 21). The 5 Stages of grief after a loss. Retrieved from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief/

Mayo Clinic, (2016, October 19). What is grief? Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief

Parincu, Z. (N.D.). Sadness: Definition, Causes, & Related Emotions. Berkely Well-being Institute. Retrieved from https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/sadness.html

Suttie, J. (2019). Why the world needs an empathy revolution. Greater Good Magazine, Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_the_world_needs_an_empathy_revolution