Taking Brouhaha’s by the Horns (by Ruth Frankenfield)

Last month I addressed the importance of addressing conflict. This week, I’m offering the DESC process to help. This model, originally developed by Sharon A. and Gordon H. Bower, has been proven over time to be a highly effective conflict resolution tool.

DESC is an acronym for:

D Describe clearly and simply the facts of what happened. i.e. “I overheard you tell our co-workers that I don’t know what I’m doing.“

E Express: How the incident affected you using “I” words. “I felt insulted.” “It felt really hurtful”

S Specify what you want: (with empathy): Begin with a positive statement: “I respect all your years of experience” or “I want us to get along well”. Follow with the specific change you’d like to happen, “If, in the future, you’re unhappy with something I’m doing or not doing I want you to come and talk with me directly so we can work it through.”

C Consequences: (commitments and contract) “If we can agree to this I think we’ll be able to work well together. Will you agree to talk to me directly if you have concerns you might have about me?“

Before you start the conversation be prepared:

1) Get calm, centered and clear about exactly what you’re going to say, simple facts not interpretations. Focus only on the current situation nothing from the past. A calm, clear presence is very disarming.

2) Find a private place to talk for a few minutes without interruption. “Melissa, can we talk for a couple minutes after you finish your work with Mr. Smith?”

3) Prepare ahead of time what you’ll say if the person is not receptive. “I’m sorry you see it that way; I was hoping we’d be able to talk through this. I’ll need to think about what I need to do if it continues.”   Don’t let yourself get pulled into a debate about who’s right or wrong. Keep the conversation respectful and compassionate but brief.

DESC is a great conflict resolution model to use throughout your life and with every relationship. Even with this tool, addressing conflict is still never easy. Try practicing first in low stress situations, maybe with a family member or friend. Remember to use your own words and usual style of communication. Eventually you’ll be ready to use the model in more difficult situations.     I wish you well!