My mind was on auto pilot. I can’t say I was fully present on the first day. I felt like an uninvolved piece of machinery programmed to simply breath, say “Hi,” smile, and repeat. For whatever reason, my personality had been repressed and locked away in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind but believe me when I say that it wasn’t a lack of excitement for my college years that had left me feeling empty but rather my inability to accept that I was actually in college. My first week at OSU felt more like the first week of the rest of my life and at the beginning of it, I just didn’t feel ready. Change, even positive ones like new chapters of life, have never been the easiest concept for me to grasp or accept. My subconscious always finds ways to villainize the new experiences, painting them as a thief in the night, coming to steal all that I already hold dear. In this case, college had stolen my comfort and replaced it with new and somewhat scary environments, surrounding me with strangers and stripping me of my background, leaving me to rebuild my name. On my first day, I didn’t know where to start so my programming took over; “I can’t find my class!” Breath. “Hi my name is..” Hi. “I don’t know anyone in this class!” Smile. “Thank God that class is over!” Repeat.
I went through the motions like a leaf in the wind; strictly following the push and pull of unseen forces. I never felt lost but I felt as if I had no direction. On the last day of the week, the breeze had pushed my leaf to the tenth floor of the Thompson Library on campus. I sat in the first chair I could find as the silence of the room drew me into a comfortable embrace. My feet were propped up and I had a clear view of the strange land I now called home. Hidden behind an array of trees I could see the simple silhouettes of the people bellow. I looked around the landscape admiring the buildings that barley stood above the sea of evergreen. I watched as the sun said its final good byes, painting the sky a beautiful pink and orange before disappearing past my line of sight. I was content in that moment. The newness of college didn’t feel as daunting anymore and even though I sat alone in that chair, I felt as if I was engulfed in love. Like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon I could feel myself slowly coming alive, drawing out of the dark corners I had hidden in. I am in college, finally, and I can not wait to begin my new journey as an Ohio State buckeye.