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Lonely Days

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Today was a lonely day. I don’t know why. Not even my mantra from Isaiah (My maker is my husband, the Lord Almighty is His name) seemed to make a dent in my loneliness. Loneliness really mutes beautiful living!

So how do you overcome loneliness? Especially in today’s “socially distanced” world? Experts and leaders can tell us that we are only physically distanced – we don’t have to be socially distanced. But that is a lie!  Being social – interacting with one another is so much more than just standing in physical proximity to another person. It is sharing space; breathing in another’s breath while they breathe in yours; it is the other 80% of our communication – our tones, our expressions, our body language, our spirits that reach out, and not just touch, but entwine and communicate on a level we don’t understand.

I’ve often thought that hell was the complete absence of God and therefore, the complete absence of love. I am coming to learn/understand/hypothesize that while hell is the absence of God and love, it may also be the absence of relationship – a complete aloneness of hearing the weeping and gnashing of teeth, but not being able to communicate with those that are weeping or gnashing their teeth and their inability to communicate with you. And while that would be horrendous – imagine being condemned to the lowest places in hell where you hear no one and nothing.

This scares me! Not for me, but for the people I care about, come in contact with, for those that are so lost. I don’t want them to experience that. Yet, there are days where I wonder if that is where I am heading. Those are my loneliest days – when I have heard no voice but my own.

Where did all of this come from?  I have been listening to a CD set called Affabel: Window of Eternity  a creation of John Bevere.

In my loneliness I tend to have some crime show on TV or I listen to books on CD/tape/digital/whatever…. This particular drama is Christian based and gives us a look at what it means to live eternally. I know that I am not really alone, and it is okay to be lonely. This is when I need to reach out to God.

Day 2 – Do I really want to do this?…. My mind says…..

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Well it is day 2. Everything I experienced and heard yesterday, confirmed what I had been contemplating about beautiful living during the Ash Wednesday service at Meadow Park Church.

That doesn’t make it easy. As a matter of fact, it makes it somewhat harder! Why is that?

Probably because I have been procrastinating to do what I know I have to do.

Probably because it is hard to for me to take care of myself.

Probably because I feel like I don’t deserve to live beautifully because that word (beautiful) doesn’t apply to me. You know all the words that have been said about you – they never leave and then tend to grow in your mind. At least mine do.

Probably because I know what my past is, what my sins are, what my ugliness looks like.

But part of beautiful living is accepting and seeing yourself through God’s eyes!

So how does God see me? see you? see the world full of people?

  1. When God created humans – He said it was good! (Genesis) – It is good that He made me.
  2. We ARE created in His images (mind, body, and spirit) Father, Son & Spirit
  3. We are worth saving and He never wants to condemn us (John 3:16-17)
  4. We are worth adopting into His family giving us all the rights and responsibilities thereof (Ephesians 1 & 2, John 1, Galatians 4)
  5. He formed all our parts and knitted us together (Psalm 139:13-16)

I could go on and on, but I don’t want to just post a bunch of Scriptures. Choose one today and read it and the surrounding context. Let God speak to you through His Written Word and through His Spirit. THEY will tell you how THEY see you.

On another note, Lenten preparation and Beautiful Living is also about letting go.

God says to “take up our cross and follow Him”.  That means we need to lay down what we are currently holding.  What are we holding on to? a person? words? forgiven sins? old habits? hurt? someone’s opinion of me? lies?  The list can go on.

For me I have to let go and give up a person in my life – oh! I am not giving UP on the person. I am giving the person up to the Lord and out of my life. This is probably one of the hardest things for me. I hate to feel alone, but I tend to surround myself with people that first show themselves as Christian and then aren’t but have great potential to become Christian. I don’t want to give up on them and somehow I always end up in a mess!  Okay – that was my confession for the day.  I am terrible at relationships and terrible at picking friends.

I also have to let go of words that have been said to me and about me. It’s funny, I don’t remember all the bruises and physical ailments from past relationships. BUT, I do remember all the ugly words said to me. (Whoever came up with the saying “sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was a liar!)  I find myself repeating those words. Some are silly from my childhood (sorry Lisa and Danny) like “Terri dances the jig with a hairy pig”! I will never forget those because it reinforced the feeling that I was dirty and filthy and foolish. It wasn’t the intent of my siblings, but that is how it was received in my hurting heart. Even as I sit here, they bring tears to my eyes and the feelings return. So….

Definitely not easy, but this is part of my Lenten preparation and is going to continue as I work toward beautiful Living. With God’s help – all things are possible.

What do you have to accept from God? What do you have to let go of?

Hello world!

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16 months! 

That is how long I have been back home in Ohio, how long I have been at OSU’s Pelotonia Institute for Immuno-Oncology (PIIO), how long I have been cancer free, and how long I have been without a church family and a ministry. 

I feel like I have been living in an ugly world forever. But, that is no excuse for not living beautifully. I have no excuses for my lack of beautiful living. I want to apologize to Ohio for slacking off. I beg forgiveness from my loving Lord for getting stuck in the mud.

No more! Here, in this journal of sorts, I plan to explain beautiful living, demonstrate how to live beautifully in a sometimes ugly world, and bring glory to God with beautiful living.

Stay tuned for more.

Why Health?

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I am trying very hard to live beautifully and be healthy. One of the group coaching sessions (Breaking through barriers to exercise) posted this commercial link to help us think about our why. Ladies – you will need a tissue!  I am still not sure I know my why specifically – but it is because I want to be able to do – with my 5 beautiful grandkids (2-10 yrs) and live my life (with someone someday) without physical barriers.