Conflict, Dispute Resolution and Dealing with Difficult People

Strategies for Preventing Conflict

• Focus on the present and let go of the past
• Pick your battles– know when to let something go
• Be an active listener
• Minimize misinterpretation– seek clarity
• Pay attention to verbals and non-verbals
• Constantly consider things from another’s perspective
• Agree to disagree
• Recognize and manage your own emotions
• Be willing to forgive or be the “adultier adult”
• Avoid conflict generating language and behaviors

4 Quick Steps to Resolving Conflict

Step #1: Raise the Issue

• Language you can use:
  • Tell me more.
  • Help me understand.
  • What are the effects of this?
  • Can you clarify for me?
  • How so?

Step #2: Discover the Underlying Interests

• Ask clarifying questions to get at the interests.
• Ask them to articulate what they understand the issue to be and why they feel so strongly about it.

Step #3: Invent Options for Mutual Gain

• Language:
  • Can you tell what you think would solve the problem?
  • What is your understanding of my/our perspective?
  • If I understand correctly, you would like me/us to ***? Is that right?

Step #4: Develop Agreements Based on Objective

• Decide which option(s) you would like to try and, if relevant, in which order.
• Write out what the agreed upon option is
• Set up a time to evaluate success of agreement

Approaches to De-escalating Typical Conflict

• Respect People– Attack Problems
• Focus on the issue or problem and NOT the individual
• Understand that you are not going to change the person
• Make understanding a priority
• ALWAYS demonstrate respect for the person
• Make yourself non-threatening
• Listen to the other person’s feelings
• Acknowledge and accept their emotions/feelings
• Be willing to share your emotions/feelings
• Use a calm voice and tone
• Accept responsibility for your contribution and apologize
• Use humor to diffuse tension
• Paraphrase the issue (What I understand you to be saying is… Is that accurate?)
• Reframe the problem
• Use de-escalation language

What Not to Do

• Do not attack a person– focus on the behavior or issue
• Do not assume you are right
• Do not give conflicting messages (words versus actions)
• Do not overgeneralize (“You ALWAYS, you NEVER)
• Do not lower yourself to the level of those behaving badly
• Do not scream, shout, or strike at another

 

Developed by Jackie Kirby Wilkins, Ph.D. and Mariah K. Stollar

Updated April 18, 2018

Reviewed February 18, 2025

 

Language for Resolving Conflict

Identifying the Issue

• Tell me more.
• Help me understand.
• What are the effects of this?
• Can you clarify for me?
• How so?
• I need to talk through an issue with you.
• Something has been brought to my attention that I’d like to discuss.
• I hear what you’re saying about [XYZ].
• Let me repeat what you said so there’s no confusion.
• I’d like to know how you feel about it.
• You said that I don’t have all the facts. Please tell me what I’m missing.
• If I understand you correctly [XYZ]
• So your main concern is [XYZ]?
• Thanks for asking. That give me a chance to share something that’s been on my mind and maybe get your thoughts on it.
• I understand you’re frustrated. I’d like to share my thoughts and see if we can reach an agreement on this.
• Thanks for being so open. I’m pretty sure that if we talk this out, we can resolve it.
• You’re making some really valid points.
• Have I answered your questions?
• Thanks for saying that. It helps me know where you’re coming from.
• I know it cost you to say what you did and I appreciate it.
• Can you tell me how you came to that conclusion?

Understanding Facts/Seeking Clarification

• Tell me what happened.
• Why do you think that? Give me some specific examples.
• Please fill me in on the details.
• How would that work?
• What specifically did you see or observe?
• How has this affected you or others?
• Could you please expand on that last statement?
• Is there some evidence that supports this?
• Is there anything else I should know?
• Give me a second to consider what I just heard you say.
• Is there anyone else we should bring into this discussion to clarify the issues?

Identifying Options

• Can you tell what you think would solve the problem?
• What are some possible options for us to consider?
• What is your understanding of my/our perspective?
• If I understand correctly, you would like me/us to ***? Is that right?
• How can we achieve ***, where your concerns about *** can be addressed and my concern regarding *** is taken into consideration?
• The purpose of this exercise is to brainstorming as many ideas as possible. Evaluating them will come later.
• We can question a response or each other’s viewpoints after we’ve explained it. Do you agree?
• Everyone will be given a turn to provide input.
• We want as many ideas as possible to flow from the session, so please no critiques or reactions right now. We’ll do that later.

Evaluating Options

• You can disagree, but you’ve got to give a reason why.
• That’s a good idea, but it doesn’t address the problem we’re trying to solve.
• Now that we have the number great ideas, let’s look at them and narrow down the options.
• That idea has real merit. Let’s consider how it might work.
• If you don’t think this proposal work, can you tell us why? Do you have any alternatives?

Other Language to Move conversation Forward

• Thank you for speaking up. You brought something important to our attention.
• A good place to start would be to help me understand exactly how you see the situation.
• That is not exactly what I meant. Let me rephrase it.
• Thanks for letting me know this was a problem. I appreciate you telling me directly.
• Thank you for your candor.
• Your point is well taken.

 

Source: Mitchell, B., & Gamlem, C. (2017). The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. Career Press: Wayne, NJ.

Developed by Jackie Kirby Wilkins, Ph.D.

Updated 2018

Reviewed February 18, 2025