Conflict, Dispute Resolution and Dealing with Difficult People
Strategies for Preventing Conflict
- Focus on the present and let go of the past
- Pick your battles– know when to let something go
- Be an active listener
- Minimize misinterpretation– seek clarity
- Pay attention to verbals and non-verbals
- Constantly consider things from another’s perspective
- Agree to disagree
- Recognize and manage your own emotions
- Be willing to forgive or be the “adultier adult”
- Avoid conflict generating language and behaviors
4 Quick Steps to Resolving Conflict
Step #1: Raise the Issue
- Language you can use:
- Tell me more.
- Help me understand.
- What are the effects of this?
- Can you clarify for me?
- How so?
Step #2: Discover the Underlying Interests
- Ask clarifying questions to get at the interests.
- Ask them to articulate what they understand the issue to be and why they feel so strongly about it.
Step #3: Invent Options for Mutual Gain
- Language:
- Can you tell what you think would solve the problem?
- What is your understanding of my/our perspective?
- If I understand correctly, you would like me/us to ***? Is that right?
Step #4: Develop Agreements Based on Objective
- Decide which option(s) you would like to try and, if relevant, in which order.
- Write out what the agreed upon option is
- Set up a time to evaluate success of agreement
Approaches to De-escalating Typical Conflict
- Respect People– Attack Problems
- Focus on the issue or problem and NOT the individual
- Understand that you are not going to change the person
- Make understanding a priority
- ALWAYS demonstrate respect for the person
- Make yourself non-threatening
- Listen to the other person’s feelings
- Acknowledge and accept their emotions/feelings
- Be willing to share your emotions/feelings
- Use a calm voice and tone
- Accept responsibility for your contribution and apologize
- Use humor to diffuse tension
- Paraphrase the issue (What I understand you to be saying is… Is that accurate?)
- Reframe the problem
- Use de-escalation language
What Not to Do
- Do not attack a person– focus on the behavior or issue
- Do not assume you are right
- Do not give conflicting messages (words versus actions)
- Do not overgeneralize (“You ALWAYS, you NEVER)
- Do not lower yourself to the level of those behaving badly
- Do not scream, shout, or strike at another
Developed by Jackie Kirby Wilkins, Ph.D. and Mariah K. Stollar
Updated April 18, 2018
Language for Resolving Conflict
Identifying the Issue
- Tell me more.
- Help me understand.
- What are the effects of this?
- Can you clarify for me?
- How so?
- I need to talk through an issue with you.
- Something has been brought to my attention that I’d like to discuss.
- I hear what you’re saying about [XYZ].
- Let me repeat what you said so there’s no confusion.
- I’d like to know how you feel about it.
- You said that I don’t have all the facts. Please tell me what I’m missing.
- If I understand you correctly [XYZ]
- So your main concern is [XYZ]?
- Thanks for asking. That give me a chance to share something that’s been on my mind and maybe get your thoughts on it.
- I understand you’re frustrated. I’d like to share my thoughts and see if we can reach an agreement on this.
- Thanks for being so open. I’m pretty sure that if we talk this out, we can resolve it.
- You’re making some really valid points.
- Have I answered your questions?
- Thanks for saying that. It helps me know where you’re coming from.
- I know it cost you to say what you did and I appreciate it.
- Can you tell me how you came to that conclusion?
Understanding Facts/Seeking Clarification
- Tell me what happened.
- Why do you think that? Give me some specific examples.
- Please fill me in on the details.
- How would that work?
- What specifically did you see or observe?
- How has this affected you or others?
- Could you please expand on that last statement?
- Is there some evidence that supports this?
- Is there anything else I should know?
- Give me a second to consider what I just heard you say.
- Is there anyone else we should bring into this discussion to clarify the issues?
Identifying Options
- Can you tell what you think would solve the problem?
- What are some possible options for us to consider?
- What is your understanding of my/our perspective?
- If I understand correctly, you would like me/us to ***? Is that right?
- How can we achieve ***, where your concerns about *** can be addressed and my concern regarding *** is taken into consideration?
- The purpose of this exercise is to brainstorming as many ideas as possible. Evaluating them will come later.
- We can question a response or each other’s viewpoints after we’ve explained it. Do you agree?
- Everyone will be given a turn to provide input.
- We want as many ideas as possible to flow from the session, so please no critiques or reactions right now. We’ll do that later.
Evaluating Options
- You can disagree, but you’ve got to give a reason why.
- That’s a good idea, but it doesn’t address the problem we’re trying to solve.
- Now that we have the number great ideas, let’s look at them and narrow down the options.
- That idea has real merit. Let’s consider how it might work.
- If you don’t think this proposal work, can you tell us why? Do you have any alternatives?
Other Language to Move conversation Forward
- Thank you for speaking up. You brought something important to our attention.
- A good place to start would be to help me understand exactly how you see the situation.
- That is not exactly what I meant. Let me rephrase it.
- Thanks for letting me know this was a problem. I appreciate you telling me directly.
- Thank you for your candor.
- Your point is well taken.
Source: Mitchell, B., & Gamlem, C. (2017). The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. Career Press: Wayne, NJ.
Developed by Jackie Kirby Wilkins, Ph.D.
Updated 2018